New Chinese Medicine Gnome Physician Hired!

Posted on August 9, 2012 by Doctor A. Chu MD

Despite the lack of racial diversity in modern gnome society, Chinese medicine has prevailed as the primary practice for curing gnomish illinesses of all kinds.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dr. Alvin Chu, MD LAC DIPL OM. The Gnome Abode Health Advisory Board hired me today to serve as the general practitioner for The Gnome Abode. I suggest that you peruse the list of services that I offer and schedule a consultation immediately. You’re probably sick and a mere one day closer to an untimely demise.

Traditional Chinese Gnome Herbal Medicine Treatment: 22 mushrooms

Traditional Chinese Gnome Garlic and Horned Melon Treatment: 98 mushrooms

Traditional Chinese Gnome Accupuncture: 49 mushrooms

Traditional Chinese Gnome Wound Care: 13 mushrooms

Sincerely,

Dr. A. Chu

***Office Location: 17 S. Get Well Boulevard, The Gnome Abode, U.S.A***

***Office Hours: Monday-Sunday 4:00am to 1:00am***

Peruvian Princess Provokes Conversation About Interracial Dating

Posted on August 7, 2012 by Leonardo

Although The Gnome Abode residents are primarily gnomes, we receive government funding because are an equal opportunity housing unit approved by the Gnomal Housing Authority (GHA). Therefore, we are required to provide space for the occasional non-gnome resident and make them feel as welcome as possible. In this specific instance, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.

The Gnome Abode Housing Council (GAHC) would like to welcome our newest resident….Peruvian Princess, Yma Sumac!

Miss Sumac is a recent immigrant from Peru, she has pigtails, and she is HOTTT! Brothers, Hear No Gnome and Speak No Gnome were the first to introduce themselves and present her with a mushroom gift offering.

It didn’t take long for word of the foreign little hottie to spread around The Abode. Gnomes or otherwise, we don’t get a lot of chicks moving in here so this is a really exciting time for all of our libidos.

Due to the shortage of female gnomes around The Abode, our guys have become more open minded about the prospects of interracial dating. I asked some of the guys in the above shot for their opinions on the matter…

“I’d totally do her.” ~ Hear No Gnome

“*Grunt*. *Snort*. *High-pitched squeal*” ~ Speak No Gnome

She’s puuurdy. Even without a pointy red hat, she’ll always be a princess in my eyes.~ Richard Simmons, Jr. The Gnome

“I don’t have time for women in my life at this time. Veteran travel gnome, Sheldon, is teaching me the ropes to follow in his footsteps now that he’s a gimp. I need to focus on my career. However, the time has come for us gnomes to be open-minded and consider women of all races as potential hookups. May the best gnome score! ~ Zookwinkle The Gnome

Well you heard it here, folks. It seems that racism has died out in The Gnome Abode. I’m going to go see if Yma has dinner plans this evening. I have in mind this quaint, little BYOB Thai place around the corner.

Yours in competitive lust,

Leonardo The Gnome

Why Three Floyds Brewery Needs To Just Die

Posted on August 6, 2012 by Caesar

1. Impossible to get in

For the second time, I had to give up on getting in this so-called beer
establishment. What is this…a goddamn night club?!

2. Assholes & douche bags run the place

Talk to anyone there and the words “asshole” and “douche” just roll right off the tongue like molasses. The door guy? Asshole. The dude pouring beer? Douche.

The bartender? The waitress? I wouldn’t know because I can’t get in. I’m sure he’s an asshole and she’s a douche though.

3. Overly hoppy beer

If I wanted to drink a plant, I’d go have a salad. Tone it down Floyd, Floyd, and Floyd….my taste buds want to punch you in the ear.

4. It’s always raining in Munster, Indiana

I gotta wait outside for at least an hour while they muddle through other gnomes’ sub par service? Waiting outside in the rain?! As if Munster, Indiana wasn’t depressing enough already!

5. Indiana

Enough said.

6. Pretentious attitude

These bitches need to get off their high horse and actually do their job. So what if you’ve had a couple decent reviews. Here’s a crappy review! Take this and shove it underneath your upcoming “going out of business” sign!

7. Website hurts my eyes

So many bright colors. Why? Why is this necessary? I’m hungover and my eyes are dripping from infectious tears, not only from your bright colors, but also from the sight of your sorry asses.

8. Impossible to get a growler filled

Once I gave up waiting to get a table, I thought I could at least get a growler of beer filled in the line on the side of the restaurant. Boy, was I wrong! Dude pouring beer looked like he had never seen a tap before.

After what seemed like days of endless waiting while he counted how many letter “A’s” were printed on his paycheck stub, I had to give up getting a growler fill too. Beerless! GAH!

9. No drinking while waiting

The least you douches could do is let me get wasted on your shitty beer while I wait for hours to get seated in your shitty restaurant. But NooooOOOOoooooo. I have to wait around outside in the rain, stone cold sober?!

You’re located in an office park full of cars! C’mon. What’s the worst that could happen?

10. T-shirts don’t come in gnome sizes

Human sizes small, medium, and large? That’s it? Really? Wow. Can you not figure out how to run the numbers and see what percentage of your customers are gnomes?I’m not good at math, but it’s freaking high!

Yet you STILL refuse to accommodate “our kind”. Who do you think you are? Chick-Fil-A?!

Die,

Caesar The Gnome