Now that we drunk gnomes have been around more than a year, we can reference posts from LAST YEAR’S HOLIDAYS! WOOT!
Check out my post from Easter 2012, where I tell you all about how gnomes and Easter just don’t get along. Easter 2013 was even more traumatic. Why, you ask?
Some freak show humans introduced us to the ancient practice of making Jell-O Jiggler eggs for Easter. I asked silly humans, “Silly humans, why are you discontent with simply turning eggs inappropriate colors like you’ve been doing for decades?
Silly humans simply shrugged and poured strange mixtures of goopy ingredients into oval-shaped molds. We were all skeptical, of course. But our souls became worn down over time and we succumed to the power of the jiggily egg.
After consuming a half a dozen, this badass gnome (who hasn’t officially introduced himself to any of us yet because apparently, he’s “too cool”) flipped over the box of Jell-O used for the eggs.
EXPIRATION DATE: 3/31/1992
This Jell-O expired 21 years ago! Well no shit, Sherlock….no one’s been making Jell-O eggs since 1992 either!
A few of us ended up in the urgent care with IV drips. It’s hard finding medical facilities open on Easter so a few of us are still hanging out in the waiting room.
There ain’t no respect for the uninsured gnome.
Happy freaking Easter.
Another year down….
<3 Alfredo The Gnome
Originally posted Monday, March 18, 2013
“A dozen garden gnomes were stolen and smashed to pieces in a bizarre incident in Cheltenham during race week.
Bernard and Cath Bond were upset when they woke up to discover that a dozen of their cherished gnomes and ornaments had been stolen from their front garden in Unwin Road, The Reddings, overnight last Thursday.
And the retired couple were reeling from the shock when a neighbour came to tell them that the gnomes and ornaments had been found smashed to pieces in a nearby alleyway.
Among the broken characters was a gnome which had belonged to Bernard’s late brother Trevor, who died in 2007.
Only its head was still intact, left lying among the shattered pieces of its former fellow garden dwellers.
“It looks like someone has taken them from the front garden and taken them down between some garages near the brook and smashed the lot,” 67-year-old Bernard said.
Grandfather Bernard, a retired bus driver, said other neighbours had had garden ornaments stolen in the past couple of days, and he believes there could be someone with a grudge against gnomes targeting them in the area.
‘How people can do something like this, I don’t know. It’s absolutely disgusting,’ he said.
‘The oldest gnome was about 15 years old.'”
I don’t have the slightest idea what “Easter spirit” is, but I do know this sure as hell ain’t it. As a gnome who was recently broken in a tragic accident, let me tell you…..we DO feel each broken piece of ceramic and we DO hate you for messing with us.
How would you like it if we ganged up and “conveniently” dropped ourselves on your toe? How whack would you look (and walk) with one less toe than you currently have?!
Help us bring these blast Brits to justice. If you have any information on these (or any other) despicable gnome smashers, write to us at email@example.com. We’ll get to the bottom of this disgrace and break their sorry faces off.
Love and hugs!
Alfredo The (recovering, and doing pretty dang well) Gnome
It’s the moment all you gnomes have been waiting for….the release of the latest and greatest International Gnome Club Newsletter! Editor, Liz Spera, just released the first edition for 2013 and it looks great!
Gnomeplaya’s contributing articles are on pages 2 and 6…check ’em out! Gnome expert, Jean Fenstermaker, has some great articles in this edition too, so you won’t want to miss hers either.
And if you like what you see, YOU TOO can be part of the International Gnome Club! Benefits of being in the club means staying on top of all gnome-related news and getting the opportunity to be a contributing writer as well. It’s definitely more rewarding and more awesome than any other club you could ever hope to join in 3.5 lifetimes.
Join the International Gnome Club now..NOW, BITCHES!
Enjoy reading our newsletter and I’ll see ya’ll in da club.
DJ Spaghetti Sauce, The Gnome
What an enjoyable little blog we came across today! Check out Gnome of the Month Club for lots of fun travel and gardening info.
There’s even a section called “Gnome Daddy.” So when someone asks “Who’s yo’ daddy?” now we have an answer. Finally!
It seems these gnomes recently went to Fiji. Lucky bastards! GAH!
Okay enough internet stalking….back to my Bailey’s and binoculars.
Yours in creepiness,
Humps the Gnome
“The tale of how seven gnomes came to live at Wolverley’s Bodenham Arboretum has been made into a book to raise funds for Children in Need.
The BodenGnomes, written by Davy Turner, the BodenGnome Ranger, will be launched at the arboretum on Easter Monday – April 1 – and will be on sale throughout this year’s BodenGnome Gnome Hunt.
Mr Turner, 59, who works at the arboretum, said: “The book is an original history of where they came from, how they came to the arboretum and why they are called the BodenGnomes.
”It will be the third year the gnome hunt has been held at the arboretum in Wolverley. Visitors are given clues to the location of the woodland creatures, each of which carries a letter that, together, spell the name of a place.
Mr Turner added: “It just kicked off as a Children in Need thing but families loved them. About 250 people did the hunt last year.”
A percentage of sales of the book, which contains photographs taken around the arboretum, will be donated to Children in Need.
If it proves successful, Mr Turner plans to write other stories of the BodenGnomes’ adventures.
The hunt itself does not restart until the summer but some of the gnomes will be at the book launch.
Mr. Turner added: “There will be a couple of gnomes hiding that day. I’ll be there as the Gnome Ranger too.”
***We never thought we really needed to be “ranged,” but Turner sounds like an alright dude. RANGE AWAY!
Leonardo The Gnome