Author Archives: Alfredo

About Alfredo

OMG you have no freaking idea how excited I am to be a part of this drunk gnome blog! I have SO MUCH TO SAY! And SO MUCH TO DRINK! I spend most of my time sipping low calorie wine coolers. I have the most ginormous closet full of sexy gnomish outfits and props that I can’t wait to model for you. Today I’m sporting my spring outfit, complete with a daisy hat….because yeah I’m just THAT kinda gnome. I am super-dee-super adventurous patiently wait my turn for our Master/Goddess to select me as a travel companion. One of my arms falls off from time to time, but my gnomenurse says it’s just a flesh wound. I love you all already! HUGS AND KISSES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beaten Up in Boystown

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It was a Friday night not unlike any other Friday night. My life partner, Fernando, and I got all dolled up for a night of bar hopping and debauchery.

We decided to hit  up a drag show at one of our favorite bars, Sidetrack. You see, Fernando and I met in the stripper cage at Sidetrack a couple weeks ago and it was the happiest day of my life!

To get the party started, we sipped a few cocktails before catching a cab to the bar.  I make a mean apple martini! As you can see, Fernie is a wee bit smaller than I am. I sometimes forget that he gets tipsy quicker than I do when we’re a few martinis under the wagon.

So anyway, we headed over to Boystown around ten-o-clock  and the cab dropped us off a block away from Sidetrack. As I was pulling a twenty out of my wallet, some douchebag came running across the street at a million miles an hour.

It all happened so fast. The first thing I remember was a flash or rage and passion. The douchebag ran smack into my darling Fernando and didn’t even say he was sorry. Fernando was lying on the ground, moaning in a painful drunken stupor.

The next thing I remember is my fist making contact with the douchebag’s eye. God that stung.

I thought I had him. I really thought I had him. I’m so freaking embarrassed about the whole ordeal. It’s hard for me to even talk about. But my therapist says I should be more open with the world. I’m working on it, okay? Okay?!

Fast forward to this morning… and here’s what I look like now.

I’m hideous. Absolutely hideous! I’m missing a foot, missing a hand, and I have no idea where the chunk in my back went to.

Fernando dragged me back into a cab and back to his place after that douchebag kicked the crap out of me. I just tried to defend his honor and this is how the universe pays me back. The details are fuzzy and I’m glad that they are. I have no idea how he even stands to look at me the way I am right now.

My poor hand is unattached from my arm. And my arm is unattached from my body. Yes, I’m typing this blog post with one hand. Yes, this is taking me a very long time.

I am hereby making a plea to all of you gnomes out there reading this. Actually, I have two please. If you have any information about a douchebag who was running across the street at the intersection of Belmont and Clark last night at approximately 10:25pm, please respond to me ASAP. Dude’s gotta pay and I will see him face smashed into a million pieces if it’s the last thing I do. 

My second plea is one for medical attention. The only doctor here at The Gnome Abode is Dr. A. Chu. He’s more of an internal medicine specialist. I need a master surgeon to put me back together again. I’ve heard of some baby monkey prodige who’s operated on gnomes in the past, but I’m not sure I trust him. If any of you gnomes out there know of other surgeons taking new patients, I’d really REALLY appreciate it if you put in a good word for me.

Your victim of an random act of gnome violence and bottomless pit of self pity,
Alfredo The Gnome

Gnomes and Hygiene

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One of our gnomes made a post yesterday with casual mention of gnomes being able to wash themselves. This comment has sparked a lot of conversation about gnomes and hygiene ever since.

Gnomes aren’t generally known for having good hygiene. We spend most of our time outdoors, bathe sporadically, and have never found deodorant particularly appealing.

So to combat these negative (and mostly true) stereotypes, King Jerry has appointed a “health and wellness specialist” and commanded him to open a gnome spa.

I haven’t personally met him yet, but from afar, he smells like watermelon. It’s kinda nice.

Rumor has it that he’ll soon be posting a list of spa treatments with pricing. Oooo….I hope there’s pedicures….my toenails are way skanky.

Yours in skankiness,
Alfredo The Gnome

Gearing Up For Halloween in The Gnome Abode

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In case you weren’t aware, we gnomes LOVE Halloween! In fact, we’re practically obsessed with it and in an unhealthy way.

Just like humans, gnome celebrate Halloween in different ways. Tabitha celebrates Halloween by collecting, carving, and posing with a many pumpkins as possible. Check out the little one on her shoulder! Awwww….how cute, right?!

Other gnomes take a more gory approach to Halloween. Check out the Lady of Mt. Goom with her glass skull vile full of blood. I know she’s supposed to be an oracle or something, but she just creeps me the hell out.

Speaking of creeped out, apparently there’s a new zombie gnome on the loose in The Abode. One of them rose from the dead last week and well, here we go again! Ugh they’re so disgusting…

Still other gnomes go a simpler route to celebrate. Pictured here is Fernando LeBeef (The Gnome Abode’s bathroom attendant) with his Halloween glow-in-the-dark hand soap. Personally, I’m not so sure about glow-in-the-dark soap. Could glowing gnome skin really be safe?!

Other gnomes see Halloween as an opportunity to broaden their social circle and make new friends. Pictured here is Humps making his introduction to a bizarre skeleton creature who dances to the hokey pokey. I don’t understand it. You’ll have to ask Humps about this one, okay?

And last but certainly not least, here’s how I celebrate Halloween! By dressing up in costumes! I LOVE COSTUMES! You may remember my pink bunny costume and my yellow raincoat costume from my profile pics. Well it’s witch time, bitches!!!

We have many more preparations to take care of before the 31st, but we are well on our way to make this the most spooktacular Halloween these gnomes have ever seen!

Stay tuned for more creepy stuff,
Alfredo the Gnome

P.S. – Send us candy.

Are “Snorfs” The New Gnomes?!

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It’s no secret that we gnomes are always up on the latest and greatest trends in gnomish society on and around the interweb.  However, newly appointed gnome scout, L.N., took us by surprise us by discovering an amazing site from 3 Eyed Bear!

No, I don’t know why the bear has 3 eyes. Perhaps you should ask the bear himself/herself. I’m sure it’s a great story.

This site has instructions on how to make snorfs! What’s a snorf, you ask? According to the 3 Eyed Bear, “The Snorfs are your friendly little home-gnomes to brighten up any place.”

Sameer The Snorf

Accordingly to Urban Dictionary, “snorf” is:

  1. To speak with an overly noticeable lisp as a result of physical deformation, usually in the lips
  2. The offspring of a Smurf and a Snork.  These amphibious blue creatures measure three apples high and play the trumpet.”
  3. When you are drinking a drink (usually beer) and at the same time someone makes you laugh and your beer comes out your nose and you snorf everywhere.
  4. To shoplift a small item by hiding it up the nose.

Deepak the Snorf

Regardless of whatever the hell they are, everyone at The Abode has tossed aside our  shovels, stethoscopes, and frying pans for the day. Work has been cancelled for everyone!

Today has been deemed International Snorf Day and we are all super busy making paper craft snorfs. A couple of our best crafts are displayed here.

Even though most of us are pasty white, we’re excited to for an array of diverse gnomes to join our clan. No chicks though. WTF? How about a paper lady snorf or two, 3 Eyed Bear!?

Check it out! We’re building an army!

Continuing on with craft day!
Alfredo the Craftin’ Fool of a Gnome

Minutes From Last Night’s Emergency Gnome Meeting

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Since King Jerry’s bitch, Tabitha, has seemingly been beheaded and captured in the evil lizard’s forceful reign, I got stuck taking notes at last night’s meeting. I hate having to pay attention at things. Taking notes is totally a chick gnome’s job.

Regardless, I scribbled some stuff down. Only about half of the gnomes from The Abode showed up on time to the bowling alley. Some stragglers stumbled in late and too drunk to contribute anything productive to anyone or anything.

After a series of heated debates, we decided that our weapons kinda sucked and we were too drunk to properly aim a weapon anyway. The idea of a lizard hunt quickly passed. After a couple more rounds of mango vodkas with ginger ale, King Jerry came up with a brilliant idea. We will bribe that bastard lizard into leaving us the *@&$ alone!

Today we embarked upon The Great Pilson Reconnaissance Mission of 2012. We got a bit of a late start on the mission because a few of the gnome soldiers wanted to start their Saturdays off with relaxing bubble baths. Then a few other gnome soldiers wanted to stop by the National Museum of Mexican Art. I’ve gotta be honest…it was pretty cool though. Then there was an stop for beer, a stop for ice cream, and a stop at the porn shop. Don’t ask.

Eventually, we did complete our mission and found the perfect bribe to present to St. Bastille Day. A Mexican folk art shop saved the day! We are not disclosing the nature of the bribe or any further details at this time, just in case that bastard lizard is reading this. We want our bribe to catch him off guard and distract him so much that he no longer cares about being in control of The Gnome Abode.

Tomorrow is the day. You just wait and you will see. I must say, I approve of the non-violent approach of this overthrow. I’m so anxious about how tomorrow’s negotiations will go that I can’t even bear to close my ceramic eyelids to get some shut eye.

Your hopeful Vice King President,

Alfredo The Gnome