About EvanGelical

There has been a call for a gnome religion. I am here to answer that call. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Evan Gelical, The Gnome.

I used to be just like you…ordinary, simple-minded, lost. After a spiritual pilgrimage to the Shawnee National Forest, I have discovered that I am actually a religious prophet!

International update: Australians Painting Gnomes for Charity

It’s time for the Bega Show garden gnome painting competition! Local celebrities in the area are painting gnomes for charity, which will be auctioned off for big gnome bucks.

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This writer dude, Ben Smythe, started off with a red hat – good call, buddy. “After that it was bit of a mish-mash of colours, styles and fashions – and a rather sun-blemished skin tone – so perhaps not so far from my own personality as I would normally admit,” he said.

The chamber of commerce president and a portrait award finalist are also celebrity gnome painters, churning and burning killer gnome designs. For now, the gnomes of Mayor Bill Taylor, entertainer Frankie J Holden and River Cottage Australia host Paul West remain a mystery. Bega Show chief pavilion steward Barb Rogers is remaining tight-lipped on that front, so curious gnome aficionados will have to wait until show day for the reveal!

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Local charities like the Rural Fire Service will be collecting in on those charity funds and gnome-related social media scene is BLOWING UP!

Gnome painting seems to be the NEXT BIG THING in charitable giving these days. Do a good deed. Paint a gnome this weekend and watch the good karma roll right in!

Tootaloo,
EvanGelical the Gnome

Your Daily Dose of Spirituality

I hope you’ve all been saying your Hail Gnomies and Our Pointy Hats every day….for your own sake. This is your gnomish spiritual leader speaking, so please have a seat and make yourself comfortable.

I’ve been getting wind of complaints about the lack of spiritual enlightenment sessions this past month. Lay off already, will ya? I’m working on my lesson plans. It’s not like the Gnomish Lord and Savior works around MY schedule, you know?

With that being screamed (er, said), I hereby announce that I am outsourcing.

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Father Horton Hammered is a flask with a lot to share about the world of spirituality. I have recently made many appointments with Father Hammered and spent many hours drinking from his wisdom. Hence my temporary absence.

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We have been working day and night to transcribe the ancient and sacred Book of Holy Hammered. It’s very complicated and I’m sure none of you gnomes would understand it. That’s why we’re helping you. You’re welcome.

We’re currently on page 3.

While we hammer out the rest of this trying, but worthwhile task, I will leave you with a few nuggets of wisdom….straight from the spout of Father Horton Hammered.

  1. The outdoors is always better than the indoors, unless it’s really cold out. 
  2. Getting pissed off at your fellow gnomes is a dumb way to spend your days. Choose your battles wisely and protect your fragile limbs.
  3. When presented with a choice about good and evil, always choose the option that promises the most liquor.

May the peace of the spirit world be with you today and for a few hours tomorrow,
Rev. EvanGelical the Gnome

 

Gnomes Join Forces with Bunnies and Buddhas…at Mormon Church

 

Originally published by By Mike Raptis, The Province March 27, 2013

Everybody has a calling at the Mormon church in Kamloops.

Brian Arnold, a retired, 30-year member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, just didn’t think his own would now involve gnomes, bunnies and Buddhas.

After 68 lawn ornaments were mysteriously placed behind the church some time between Thursday evening and Friday morning, Arnold – who discovered them neatly lined up and arranged from big to small – knew he had a job to do.

“I’m thinking some had sentimental value and sure enough, they did,” he said Tuesday, after fielding a number of calls from perplexed seniors around town.

“I’ve just been running them around to people,” Arnold said.

An 89-year-old woman phoned him about two dogs missing from her lawn. She got them back.

The first lady to come to the church was missing a family heirloom her dad made for her – a small red house – which Arnold found with the rest of the ornaments he has stored away for safekeeping.

“The lady said she had been praying that this would come back to her,” Arnold said. “She was a bit teary-eyed. That makes it all worthwhile.”

Still in his possession are items Arnold thinks may be valuable, such as a copper rooster with individual thin-leaf copper feathers – “lots of neat ones” – he said.

The mystery of who is behind the prank is far from solved.

Police have received the file and have asked their crime analyst to conduct a search of any other reported thefts of lawn ornaments, but there are “absolutely no leads to go on,” said RCMP Staff-Sgt. Grant Learned.

“The way things were placed,” Learned said, “indicates they were nicely placed in a decorative environment, so who knows?”

Arnold mentioned that a woman and her friends had just stopped by to claim a gnome with a blue coat and a red hat.

“Her friend was going to put (a notice) out on a tweet or something. I have no idea, I’m retired. I don’t know what a tweet or Twitter is,” Arnold said.

512px-FLDS_Eldorado_hiYou silly Canadians! It’s no mystery why we gathered together with other religious figures at your church…it’s a spiritual movement! Yes, bunnies are religious too. Haven’t you even gone to a Catholic church at Easter?!

We are pissed that you disturbed our gathering. We gnomes, buddhas, and bunnies were devising a plan to combine all our silly religions into one….led by gnomes of course.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a day on everyone’s busy social calendar to meet for spiritual awakening sessions?

Of course you don’t.

Anyway, I’m re-contacting everyone to reschedule now. So when you see us camped out back with a few of your wives, leave us be.

Muchas gracias.

Gnomes Want You to Grow Your Own Food!

Food not lawns: Hungry Gnome empowers homeowners to grow food

By ANDRE GALLANT – published Saturday, February 16, 2013

“Few people are thinking about their gardens as February’s moody weather freezes, warms and cools again. Rather than amending soil and arranging planting schedules, just what clothes to wear during such shifty elements is perhaps the more pressing question.

Hungry gnomeBut the wiry green thumbs at Hungry Gnome Gardenscapes never stop preparing and supporting vegetable gardens at homes around Athens. There’s always dirty work to be done.

And in February, the gnomes are scurrying around in rubber boots to clients’ homes to build garden beds, plant onions and ready soil for a busy spring and summer planting season. Healthy plants start with healthy soil, the Hungry Gnomes say.

Since 2009, Hungry Gnome Gardenscapes has been following a mission to empower people to grow their own food, and doing helping homeowners do so in their own backyards by setting up and maintaining gardens.

Homeowners call up Hungry Gnome for a variety of reasons, said owner Kevin Yates, “but a lot of them want a connection with where their food comes from and a connection to nature as experienced through their land.”

But today’s fast-paced lifestyle offers only easy digital connectivity and little time to dig into the earth. Yates said that most of his clients have a dearth of time, or a dearth of knowledge and experience with vegetable gardening.

“Depending on the client, it can be a combination of the two,” he said. “We build programs that span that continuum.”

Yates calls their services vegetable garden support programs.

For $60, a Hungry Gnome will come out and assess your land and offer his advice about how best to turn it into a productive edible landscape.

Grow foodFrom there, Hungry Gnome has cheaper do-it-yourself packages aimed at gardeners who have some weekend time to help tend their plots. For $1,086, Hungry Gnome will set up soil and compost and plants four seasons of crops. They offer a Busy Bee package in which 90 percent of the gardening is performed by staff, leaving only harvesting to the homeowner. Around the middle of that spectrum in the Guided Gardener package. Yates and his staff will lay out, prep and plant the garden, and stop by through out the season to check in, but it’s the homeowner’s duty to water, weed, kill bugs and harvest. A 100-square-foot guided garden that’s full of sweet potatoes, tomatoes, okra and seasonal veggies all year round will cost $1,917, or roughly $160 a month. The largest edible landscape Hungry Gnome currently maintains is 350 square feet.

Every two weeks, Hungry Gnomes come by to add organic fertilizer and tend and replace any failing plants.

“It’s important to stress that a garden is a dynamic place,” Yates said. “There are a lot of variables.”

Often, garden emergencies that require a service call are the result of under-watering, Yates said. During initial conversations with clients about their future garden, Yates said he urges caution and asks homeowners to be honest with how much time and effort they can commit to the project. Yates and his staff will leave notes and written directions when they make their visits, and it’s up to the homeowner to keep up his or her side of the bargain. Yates has all clients sign a non-legal contract to help them address their desires and ability.

Yates said children often influence parents’ decisions to hire Hungry Gnome to start a vegetable garden. Many people, Yates said, grow up not knowing where their food comes from, and they don’t want their children sharing that experience.

“A lot of our clients have children,” Yates said, and a garden engages the next generation in an experience of nature.

For more information, visit www.hungrygnome.org or call (706) 206-3858.”

Happy growing!
EvanGelical The Gnome

Join Us TODAY For a Gnomish Spiritual Awakening!

 

Listen up, my fellow gnomes. Your spiritual leader is speaking to you in an ominous voice.

Today is the day you’ve been waiting your whole lives for. A gnomish spiritual awakening is just around the corner and YOU are invited!

There are just a few things to keep in mind as you journey from a meaningless petty existence to a transcendent and enlightened state of peace and beauty…

  • church
  • All gnomes are welcome and accepted at the awakening. If you don’t like someone next to you, keep it to yourself because I don’t care.
  • This is not (I REPEAT, NOT) a spin off of any human religion. Those are dumb. This is the real deal.
  • No chewing gum during the awakening. It annoys me greatly.
  • When the Gnomish Lord and Savior tells you to drink a beer, drink a beer. No questions asked.

So alright! With those strict rules and regulations out of the way, let’s get this party started! Here’s the details:

  • WHO: You! That’s why you’re reading this. Dur dur dur.
  • WHAT: The very first gnomish spiritual awakening ceremony.
  • WHEN: Today at 3:00pm
  • WHERE: The Gnome Abode (newly redesigned) Temple. Google map it.
  • WHY: Because there is more to life than mindlessly going about your daily routines and you deserve to find purpose deep within your pointy hat.

I look forwarding to bringing you one step closer to a better version of you! See you at 3!

Your gnomish spiritual leader,
EvanGelical The Gnome