About Jerry

I am the king of all of the gnomes. You can bow down to me now. No, seriously I mean it. BOW!

I earned the title of Gnome King because I was the very first gnome that our glorious Master/Goddess picked up one hazy day at dollar store in DeKalb, Illinois. I carry a hoe because I’m just THAT pimp. As you can see, I love to smoke various substances and get tangled up in things.

I have everything to say about everything and I’m sure that I have made your life worth living again. You’re welcome.

 

Vintage 1978 Plush Forest Gnome Arrives at The Gnome Abode

Drunk gnomes love good company. And yesterday, we received a sparkling new addition to our family.

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This little guy showed up at our doorstep most unexpectedly. I nearly turned the postman away, telling him that I hadn’t ordered any more cases of wine and that I didn’t appreciate solicitation.

Fortunately, some of the more sober gnomes in the house persuaded me to take in the package and begin tearing the cardboard box away. photo (1)

He seemed a little frazzled as he crawled his way out of the box. You see, he is a vintage 1978 gnome, created in the spirit of Wil Huygen’s legendary book, Gnomes.

We repeatedly asked where he came from, but as a gnome of few words, all he could do was simply gesture at his manufactured labeling.

“Knickerbocker” – read one label.

“Unieboek” – read another.

If you’re unaware, these are big names in the world of gnomes. We quickly realized that we had a full-blown celebrity on our doorstep!

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He’s still a little shy and smells a teensy bit like grandma’s attic. But his fashion sense and hygiene is impeccable. You’d never know that the ole’ bastard is 35 years old in human years. That’s 275 in gnome years – and in the prime of his life, as the box kindly points out.

So let’s all take a moment to welcome our newest addition to The Gnome Abode!

Somebody buy this guy a drink!

And somebody give him a name! Sadly, he doesn’t seem to have arrived with his “Hello, My Name Is…” badge intact.

Cheers buddy!
King Jerry the Gnome

Merry Christmas from the Drunk Gnomes!

Chug-a-lug, gnomies! Tis the season for lots n’ lots of NOG!

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Santa gnome finally showed up. And that baby gnome finally popped out in the manger. So yeah, it’s pretty much a party over here.

Anyhoo – all of us at The Drunk Gnome would like to wish all of you weird Internet stalking weirdos a very merry Christmas.And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, then just look at today as a great excuse to drink without being judged too harshly.

Cheers!

Drunk Gnomes Have Blogged 400 Times!

Well jump start my scooter and call me Susie. The blue collar gnomes that work inside the interweb just sent me an exciting memo.

We drunk gnomes blogged a whopping 400 times! That’s 100 four times over. Also known as 20 twenty times over. That’s as much math as my tiny ceramic brain can handle in one sitting, so I hope you get the picture.

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Since we began infiltrating your daily dose of interweb usage in February 2012, we’ve somehow managed to find 400 unique and enthralling things to write about gnomes. Quite an amazing feat if you really stop to think about it for a moment.

That was’t a rhetorical statement. I’m literally telling you to stop to think for a moment.

Are you thinking?

The moment isn’t over.

Think some more.

 Okay fine, you can stop now. Sheesh, are you really that hungover? Yeah, me too.

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For the sake of celebration, let’s take a look at some of our favorite posts that come to mind:

Ahhh…memories. Reminisce with me for a moment.

This is when you’re supposed to sigh deeply in response. Do I have to spell out everything for you!?

Whatever, I’ll let it slide this once. It’s Saturday after all.

So I’ll leave you with a toast in poetic form:

400 posts down

400 to go

Drunk gnomes rule

Pip pip cheerio

Cheers,
Jerry, King of All Gnomekind

A Shout Out to All Gnome Veterans

Gnomes tend to be lovers, not fighters. But sometimes, we are called on to defend ourselves and the liberties of all gnomekind. We may be small, but we know how to kick you in the shin and give you a hearty dose of name-calling.

So here’s a shout out to all gnome veterans who have proudly served The Gnome Abode in times of peace, war, and drunken stupors.

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These brave dude and lady gnomes have carried heavy ceramic guns, even when their weary, miniature arms would rather be double-fisting bottles of rum.

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These righteous soldier gnomes have worn camouflage even when it looks terrible with their skin tones.

And these hardcore badasses have kept our fortresses full of liquor, no matter what the cost.

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So here’s to you, gnome soldiers! May you continue to fight so we can drink!

We salute you. Cheers!

Your Majesty,
King Jerry the Gnome

What GNOMES can teach YOU about your business

We drunk gnomes don’t read Forbes magazine much. Most of what we do (ahem, drinking) doesn’t make a whole lot of money, so we aren’t faced with difficult decisions about what to do with our nonexistent wealth.

However, a Forbes article caught my attention today. It’s called “What South Park Can Teach You about Business: Hint – Stealing Underpants Isn’t Enough.”

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Even folks who aren’t into gnomes seem to be familiar with South Park’s “underpants” episode. In the episode, gnomes are subjected to pushing carts of nasty underpants around. To recap:

  • “What are you doing with all these underpants?” the boys ask.
  • The gnome confidently replies, “Oh, this is just the collection phase: Phase 1.”
  • “What is Phase 2?” Now the boys are getting really curious.
  • The gnome doesn’t know, so he introduces them to the CEO gnome, who fires up a PowerPoint presentation.
  • “We have a three-step plan for our business,” the CEO gnome proudly says as he clicks to the first slide. It says, “Phase 1: Collect Underpants.”
  • He clicks for Phase 2, which we see has no strategy—just a giant question mark. Phase 2 is blank.
  • He clicks again for Phase 3, and the slide reads, “Phase 3: Profit!!!” The gnomes cheer as the CEO reads this last step aloud. There is much rejoicing.

The Forbes article goes on to compare the underpants work of these gnomes to the modern human cubicle workers, who does know why he does what he does but keeps on doing it. It goes on to say that humans companies need to establish a clear vision and convey that to their employees in ways to make them give a shit.

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It seems that not only humans need to give more of a shit, but gnomes do too. Why AREN’T we making more money? Why AREN’T we capitalizing on our own awesomeness? Why am I not on a boat in Maui?!

I’ve been King of The Gnome Abode for nearly two years an I can’t even afford a new pair of underpants!!!

I’m calling a town hall meeting, ya’ll. Everybody. To the big ass mushroom. NOW!

Your king,
Jerry the Gnome