I showed to up to the office this morning, bright and cheery as usual, and ready dive into my exciting day of accounts payable and receivable. (Receivables are my favorite, in case you were curious).

Just as I was finishing my third cup of El Cheapo coffee, my boss, Lumbergh, saunters over to my desk and says he has a favor to ask me. Uh oh. Favors rarely are good. He said that Destiny and Lil’ John in the customer service department had both called in sick. He seemed to imply that there were some inappropriate relations between them, but I’m not here to spread gossip so I let that slide in one ear and out the other.

I’ve never really been good at dealing with customers, but today I rose to the challenge and plopped on a headset. My telephone rang within seconds of aforementioned headset plopment.

Me: Good morning! IGT Industries, this is Phillip. how may I help you?

Asshole: Um, well you can start by giving me my money back for this piece of shit order you idiots sent me.

Me: I sense that you are concerned. May I have your customer account number, please?

Asshole: I don’t know what my damn number is. Just look it up for me. And then flip to page 3 of your stupid catalog so you know what the hell I’m talking about.

Me: Okay Sir, I see that your customer account number is 0985817284916573279781279861901928308120975328R. Now if you will hold for just a brief moment, I will grab a copy of our latest catalog . I do apologize, I am actually the accountant for IGT Industries and just helping out with some customer service calls today because a couple co-workers are out sick.

Asshole: Whatever. Fine. I’ll hold. But your hold music had better not suck.

I went over to Lumbergh’s office to see if he had a copy of the catalog so I could try to understand what this guy’s complaint was about. Lumbergh wasn’t in his office but I saw a stack of catalogs on the corner of his desk. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure now one was watching, snagged one, and slipped out the door and back to my cubicle.

Before turning back on the headset, I opened up the catalog to page 3 and YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT I FOUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gnomes for sale? WHAT??????????? How is this even legal? It’s not legal!

I’ve been working for an illegal gnome trade cartel and i didn’t even know it?!?

During the past four years in my accounting office, I simply wrote checks, paid bills, and put numbers into spreadsheets. I never really though to ask anyone what the bills were for or how the company made its money. But I NEVER would have thought that a company owned and run by gnomes would be illegally selling gnomes! This is preposterous.

I mean take a look at that page. Who determined the price structure? One gnome climbing a tree only costs $12.00! His life is surely worth more than $12.00, I guarantee you that!

I flipped to page 5 of the catalog only to find more atrocities. Gnomes at discounted sales prices! Even girl gnomes for sale! That’s right….GIRL GNOMES!

I just can’t believe I’ve been bamboozled into working for such an awful corporation for all these years and never had a clue. I’m so angry that I don’t know what to do. I’m not picking the headset back up and talking to that asshole again though, that’s for sure.

I know in my heart that I need to do the right thing and confront Lumbergh about my new-found knowledge of our company. Although the salary is pretty sweet, there’s no way my conscience will allow me to continue working here.

My biggest concern at this point is for my own personal safety . I’ve seen way too many 90’s Mexican drug movies where those involved with the cartel are never allowed to get our alive. They know too much! They are a liability for the entire illegal industry!

I know too much! I am a liability!

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Phillip The Gnome

If any of you gnomes out there happen to see this hardened criminal, please comment on my blog post IMMEDIATELY. He has escaped from prison.

Chaos has come over my high-rise office building and we are all shaking with fear in our finely pressed suits.

(Sidebar: You may be wondering why I’m not wearing my finely pressed suit in my profile photo. Well I submitted a photo of myself in my Sunday best and it was rejected by the Site Administrator. She said to dress casual. But I don’t like to dress casual. She can be a real bitch sometimes.)

A crime of horrendous proportions was committed in the 5th floor gym in my office building last night. The super important financial companies that occupy this building are doing VERY well financially, so we recently had a hot tub, sauna, and steam room installed.

It only takes one gnome to ruin it for everyone. Apparently some cocky bastard thought it would be a brilliant idea to bring some moonshine into the hot tub with him. And I ask you, what kind of a workout is that?!

He was promptly escorted out by building security and arrested by the GPD (Gnome Police Department). Rightfully so. How dare he think that drinking in public, let alone a corporate office building hot tub was appropriate.

I despise all of these drunk gnomes. Do you have any idea what how many lawsuits I had to file to even be accepted as a contributor to this blog? I pulled out every discrimination law in gnomish society until that bitchy administrator was subpoenaed and court-ordered to allow my anti-alcohol opinions be heard.

I could go off about that for hours. But I digress. The Hot Tub Moonshine Convict has escaped from prison. I’ve been calling the GPD every 73 minutes to check on the status of their search. Nothing has turned up yet. Gnomes can be so dang sneaky when they’re on the run from the authorities. Gah. Please help.

Disgusted and Appalled,

Phillip the Gnome

OMG! I love it when my boss schedules a 9pm conference call! It really starts my day on a  positive note to know that I have all my ducks in a row and that I’ve beaten the “Case of the Mondays”.

In case I didn’t properly introduce myself, I’m Phillip The Gnome and I work in a standard 9-5 office where I have the privilege of pushing papers from one side of my desk to another for an amazing 8 hours a day. My finger muscles are so wonderfully strong! I could lift a blazing car off of an infant with these paper cut -ridden digits. I have no idea why my brethren choose to work those low-level blue collar jobs in gardens and household collections. I am a valuable member of society and a unique and beautiful snowflake.

Sometimes I even get to answer the telephone! Yes! A real live telephone! And sometimes people even scream at me! There is so much emotion in their voices and I have no idea why! My boss has really never told me what type of business this is or what my actual job title is. Irregardlessly, I love listening to people yell at me and use profanity in my general direction. It humbles me and makes me appreciate all of the positivity in my life.

I busted my cellmate with this in his desk drawer today! Can you believe it? Bringing booze to work? Who would do such a thing? Tisk tisk.

Barenjager in the Office

Well I better get off to slumber-land so I can squeeze in my 5am cardio-kickboxing class and another amazing day of spreadsheet and agenda items!

Blissfully yours,

Phillip the Gnome