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I am X’smores. That’s right. I make Xtreme Smores.

Dallas Yard Art Goes Where No Gnome Dares to Go

A seemingly-offensive headline caught my attention today as I made my way through the Interweb. It read, “Your Garden Gnome Sucks – – The Yard Art of Little Forest Hills.”

“Ex-cuuuuuse me?” I asked myself in a nonverbal manner.

Despite my better judgment, I clicked on the Dallas Observer article to get my blood pumping.

Apparently, there’s a quirky neighborhood down there called Little Forest Hills, and their motto is “Keep Little Forest Hills Funky.” Although I can’t spot any gnomes in the vicinity, this neighborhood does take its yard art seriously. Here’s a couple of our favorites, and mad props to Allison Perkins for the snapshots:

foresthills4

foresthills5

Perhaps we’re aren’t doing anything as clever as these installations, but still…we most certainly do not suck. It’s simply an unfair comparison. Yet, we want to be a part of whatever the hell is it you’re doing here.

So cheers to yard art around the world!
Our ears are perked and our toes are curled
Great and small,
Come one, come all!
To celebrate the wackiness of grass!

^You see what I did right there? That right there’s a real, live poem.^

Signing off,
X’smores the Gnome

There’s a Gnome Beverage Company!?!?

It’s no secret that we gnomes like to brew our own beer. It’s not that your human beer isn’t good. It’s just fine. But we like to use particular combinations of gnomish spices that you’ve never heard of. We also like to increase the alcohol content to levels not yet approved by the human governments.

I went to the neighborhood brew & grow store yesterday to pick up some supplies for my next batch. I turned a corner and I couldn’t believe my eyes!

Gnome Brewing Company!?!?

How have I never heard of this glorious place before?!

I promptly bought out the entire stock of whatever the hell was in this pakcet and scurried home to research their website. www.gnomesoda.com

My only complaint is that they seem to only brew soda….not beer. But that’s okay. Gnomes don’t have to drink to be drunk to be real gnomes.

Most of us do enjoy a daily dose of intoxication. But that’s a choice and not a requirement. Although we don’t really understand the concept of not getting drunk…we still love and respect you freaks of nature.

And if I wasn’t totally obvious….this is a shameless plug for your brewing company so I do expect a free tour with samples when I make my way to Oregon.

Cheers!
X’mores the gnome

Why Gnomes Are Confused By Christmas

 

To get in the holiday spirit, a few of the guys and I went to this little outdoor German festival today. It was called Christkindlmarket and the town square was filled with food and craft vendors.

We were totally expecting to find and rescue new gnomes to release them from German captivity and introduce them to the clan of The Gnome Abode. I mean, shit….gnomes and Germany sort of go hand in hand.

According to the most reliable source known to us, Wikipedia, gnomes “originated in 19th century Germany, where they became known as Gartenzwerg (literally “garden dwarf”).”

Caesar, Leonardo, and I walked from booth to booth in search of gnomes in need of rescue.

“I found one!” Caesar exclaimed.

” No, look at all the gnomes over here!” Leonard yelled loudly, pushing Caesar aside.

I ran over to Caesar’s booth to find this:

“Is that really a gnome?” I asked Caesar.

“Of course it is! What else could he be? Pointy hat, riding a snail, next to a mushroom….c’mon dude,” He responded

I picked up the questionable creature and flipped him on his backside. He may have gotten a little dizzy, but I’m sure he’s fine. Much to my disbelief, the word DWARF was printed on the bottom.

DWARF?!

Thank you, but no thank you.

I moved on to the booth that Leonardo had found. Three red-hatted creatures stared at me with wide eyes and open mouths.

“Hey, Shopkeep! Down here! Yes, all the way down here. Hey, I got a question. What are those red-hatted creatures on the shelf over yonder?”

“Well aren’t you a dumb little guy! Each of those is a Santa Claus that you stick a candle in to light it up,” the Shopkeep replied.

Santa Claus?! Again, thanks but no thanks.

We were getting discouraged by this point in the day. Why are all these things posing as gnomes when they’re not really gnomes at all?!

What are these things? Gnomes? Santas? Dwarfs? Elves?

And what about these freaking statues?! Gnomes? Father Christmas? Just some old dude bundled up?

Exhausted, confused, and pissed off, we decided to get drunk. Fortunately, a vendor selling Gluhwein, a German hot spiced wine, was nearby. After we knocked back two boots each (one for each foot, of course!), I decided to make one final attempt at finding at gnome at the market.

This time, I picked the booth to check out. I immediately saw a hanging display of gnome-like wooden creatures dangling from ribbons. They all had red hats on. Some even had mushrooms in their pockets. Surely, these must be gnomes…I thought.

I asked a kind stranger to hoist me up and checked one of the creatures’ backside. (It was decent. C’mon. Get your mind out of the gutter.) This was my one last hope for Christmas. If a Christmas market didn’t have a single gnome in it, then apparently Christmas isn’t for gnomes at all.

BAVARIAN ELF.

Goddamn Bavarian Elf. Where the hell is Bavaria and where do their elves get off pretending to be gnomes?!?!?

I gave up and knocked back two more boots of Gluhwein.

Caesar and Leonardo could tell I was down in the dumps and bought the one with the mushroom for $13 when I wasn’t looking.

The next morning, I woke with a wicked hangover and found the thing on my kitchen counter. The guys had scratched the words “Bavarian Elf” off the back and carved the word “Gnome” in with a pocketknife.

Those guys are alright.

I don’t exactly know what to make of this elf turned gnome-convert sitting on my counter, or what to make of this whole Christmas holiday either.

And this, my friends….is why gnomes are confused by Christmas.

Sincerely,
X’smores The Gnome

 

An Index of Unique Gnome Collectibles!

 

Ever wonder how we manage to decorate The Gnome Abode with such awesome gnomish collectible items (which tend come alive and turn into new best friends)? Well, wonder no more!

1. Gnome kite – $26 at Yozingo – http://www.yozingo.com/store/index.php/premier-large-easy-flyer-gnome-kite.html

 2. Gnome jewelry – various Ebay sellers – http://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_nkw=gnome+jewelry&_sacat=0

3. Gnome salt & pepper shakers – $13.99 on Amazon – http://www.amazon.com/Gnomes-Attractives-Pepper-Shaker-Ceramic/dp/B008O74WUA

4. Gnome cross stitch iPhone case – Free at Craftsy – http://www.craftsy.com/pattern/embroidery/the-little-gnome-cross-stitch-pattern/4305

5. Gnome Kleenex box and gnome earbuds – Monkey See Monkey Do, Austin, TX – http://www.facebook.com/pages/Monkey-See-Monkey-Do/73676153648

 6. Gnome dishes – $15-48 at P.O.S.H. – http://www.poshchicago.com/category.asp?catid=7731

7. Gnome crochet hat – $30 Serviss Etsy Shop – http://www.etsy.com/listing/60861986/hand-knit-hat-womens-hat-gnome-hat-in

 8. Gnome 3D cake pan -$35 at Fancy Flours – http://www.fancyflours.com/product/Gnome-3D-Cake-Mold/s

 9. Gnome board games – $25.99 at Board Game Geek – http://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/94571/oh-gnome-you-dont

10. Gnome paper cutouts – Free at 3 Eyed Bear- http://www.3eyedbear.com/2012/08/14/the-snorfs/

11. Gnome skeletons – $39-54 at Skymall http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=204092598&c=102961916

 12. Gnome cookie cutters – $8 at Fancy Flours – http://www.fancyflours.com/product/Cookie-Cutter-Gnome-Breadmen-Set-of-3/s

Happy shopping and happy freaking Friday!!!
X’smores The Gnome

Who is this guy?!?

One of our most favorite Gnome Scouts (who goes by the name, Much) located this amazing photograph on Pintrest. We are dying to know who this man is and where he is located so that we can stalk him.

His gnome community looks amazing and we need to make best friends with each and every one of them. We will travel anywhere to meet him. He may actually be a freakishly tall gnome himself!

Anyone with any information whatsoever should comment on this post.

Puhleeeze!!!

X’Smores The Gnome