Stop Whatever You’re Doing and Watch this 3-Minute Gnome Video

gnomeclinic

Paying for television is for schmucks. And we gnomes are NOT schmucks.

While doing a lil’ flip-a-roo on the ole’ telly last night, I could hardly believe what appeared before my eyes. I caught the tail-end of a mini-segment about a garden gnome clinic for injured gnomes in Germany.

And then with the blink of an eye, it was over! Drat! Double drat!

But like the skillful lil’ researchers we are, we tracked down this magical mini-segment and stalked it like a Dateline NBC special on Friday night.

(You know, the ones that make you feel less like a loser when you’re cradling your bottle of $2.89 Aldi wine on the couch. Because at least you weren’t kidnapped, right? RIGHT?!)

NBC is free too!

Ok but back to the gnome show…

The station is called DW and the show is called Germany Today. The blip about the gnome doctor is only about 3 1/2 minutes long, but it is truly wonderful. Some of us need to schedule an appointment with this gnome doctor and others of us are crafty enough to steal this idea and become gnome doctors ourselves!

Oh wait, that’s what I’m supposed to be doing, isn’t it? Dr. A. Chu, MD at your service!

Well if you didn’t already click on the video link at the top of this rambling post, click on this link and learn about this delightful German woman.

The Garden Gnome Clinic – Germany Today

My favorite part is when they take the biggun’s out for a ride in the car and strap on their seat belts. Safety first, gnomies! Otherwise, to the gnome doc you go!

Be well,
Dr. A. Chu, MD

33 Gnomes Found in Van and Seized by Police

Leave it to the UK to crank out awesome headlines like “Gnomes in police custody after night-time adventure.”

Apparently, someone was driving around the Banff area with 33 gnomes and some other miscellaneous lawn ornaments in the back of a van. The driver was pulled over (for some reason?) and the gnomes were identified as those belonging to residents of the Aberdeenshire area.

What a joyride!

Scotland’s favorite schoolboy, Oor Wullie, was joyriding along with the renegade gnomes as well. A schoolboy….what fun! The gnomes are believed to have been taken from local residences between Wednesday and Thursday this week.

van

If you’re missing a gnome or know someone who is, The Courier newspaper may be able to get you reconnected. Send an email over [email protected] The police could probably use a little help reuniting gnomes with gnome owners too, if you could lend a helping hand.

Keep in mind, this is BREAKING NEWS and we don’t have the full details of the story yet.

  • Who IS the driver of the van?
  • What IS his/her connection to the gnome community?
  • Where were they all going on that joyride?
  • Were the gnomes kidnapped or did they leave their homes willingly?

You’d better bet our gnome sleuths are on the case. Tip us off if you hear anything!

Sincerely,
Lieutenant SpeakNoGnome, the Gnome

BREAKING NEWS: GNOMES DYING FROM FUNGUS?!?

According to Journalism.co.uk, “Scientists have announced that, after years of research, they have managed to decode the genome of the common garden gnome!”

Gnomes around the world have been warned about a deadly fungus that lurks in compost heaps and threatens to wipe out the gnomish population by the year 2020.

GAFFI-GNOMES3c

Did you know that gnomes suffer from growth hormone deficiency? Yep, we do alright.

Gnomes are dropping like flies!

Our immune systems can’t handle this fungal disease and something must be done!

“GAFFI President Dr. David Denning, who is Professor of Fungal Medicine at the University of Manchester, says that fungal disease is known to affect almost 300 million humans across the globe but this is the first time Aspergillosis has been diagnosed in gnomes. He wants people who discover diseased gnomes to report it on the GAFFI website.”

And listen up…gnomes are considered to be “endangered,” and we’re genetic cousins to humans. This means that what you get sick from, we get sick from too. UGH!

This is truly alarming news. I’m pleading with you….help save gnomes from fungus!!!

Your friendly family physician,
Dr. A. Chu, MD, the Gnome

Are Tree Yetis a Legitimate Threat to Gnomes?

So um..we have a problem here.

While trolling the Interwebs, I came across an article that garden gnomes were “out” and tree yetis are “in.”

Which prompts the obvious questions…what the hell is a tree yeti and do they actually pose a legitimate threat to our very existence?

Well here’s what the dang thing looks like:

treeyetiPretty freaking creepy, if you ask me. This thing does WAY beyond the average gnome’s capacity for creepiness. No question about it.

Apparently, these tree yetis are taking the suburbs by storm. Have you seen any of these things lurking around? We need to assess the severity of this situation.

The Gnome Police Department (GPD) would greatly appreciate it if you could email any photographic evidence of tree yetis to us at [email protected]

Over and out.

Muchas gracias,
Lieutenant SpeakNoGnome

Drunk Gnomes Have Blogged 400 Times!

Well jump start my scooter and call me Susie. The blue collar gnomes that work inside the interweb just sent me an exciting memo.

We drunk gnomes blogged a whopping 400 times! That’s 100 four times over. Also known as 20 twenty times over. That’s as much math as my tiny ceramic brain can handle in one sitting, so I hope you get the picture.

gnome shoulder

Since we began infiltrating your daily dose of interweb usage in February 2012, we’ve somehow managed to find 400 unique and enthralling things to write about gnomes. Quite an amazing feat if you really stop to think about it for a moment.

That was’t a rhetorical statement. I’m literally telling you to stop to think for a moment.

Are you thinking?

The moment isn’t over.

Think some more.

 Okay fine, you can stop now. Sheesh, are you really that hungover? Yeah, me too.

sheldonbroken

For the sake of celebration, let’s take a look at some of our favorite posts that come to mind:

Ahhh…memories. Reminisce with me for a moment.

This is when you’re supposed to sigh deeply in response. Do I have to spell out everything for you!?

Whatever, I’ll let it slide this once. It’s Saturday after all.

So I’ll leave you with a toast in poetic form:

400 posts down

400 to go

Drunk gnomes rule

Pip pip cheerio

Cheers,
Jerry, King of All Gnomekind