WANTED: An innovative, passionate, and customer-oriented Gnome Chef with 20 years of culinary and operational management experience successfully directing high-performance gnome teams within high-volume, high-profit, full-service restaurant, fine-dining, family-style, in-room service, and catering environments. Effective motivator, mentor, and team-builder accustomed to working under fast-paced, high-stress, time-sensitive gnome conditions.

Acknowledged for capacity to manage multiple gnome responsibilities simultaneously, proactively resolve issues, consistently exceed key performance objectives, and easily grasp, create, apply, and present new concepts and methods. Articulate gnome communicator and effective trainer dedicated to continuous improvements in quality, productivity, efficiency, and customer service. Strong qualifications in gnome troubleshooting, problem-solving, and team development. Unique ability to interact effectively with all levels of support personnel and management maximizing kitchen productivity and gnome staff performance.

We are tired of eating noodles for every meal. Immediate help requested. Contact me via blog post reply to be considered for this exciting position.

Best of luck,
King Jerry of The Gnome Abode

Your neighborhood librarian and academic expert here…..just trying to promote literacy and general opposition to gnome stupidity! It’s Friday and you’re probably already drunk. But if not….READ ON!

I recently read a book that some of you may enjoy. It’s called Porn Gnomes and Other Strange Tales by Paul Chapman. I know what you’re thinking….”Okay sure this is a DRUNK gnome blog, but isn’t PORN gnomes getting just a little bit out of hand?!”

Well I am PLEASED to report that there are no images of gnomes in compromising positions anywhere between the pages of this short story collection. WHEW. None of us need to see that. It’s not like we’re the most attractive creatures on the planet!

Anyhoo, this story seeks to explain the supernatural origin for the graffiti on the walls of bathroom stalls. This is a very important topic and I’m so happy that someone finally addressed it!

The gnomes in the book have awesome names like Stoozlepants, Hallyblomper, Phromfiggener, and Wendlestricker. We are always adopting more gnomes into our abode and they rarely have names when we get them. Therefore, we appreciate other gnomish name suggestions wherever we can get them!

There’s a couple warring factions of gnomes and a whole lot of dirty language. Sewer trolls also foil the plans of the porn gnomes. No surprise….those blasted trolls seem to pop up everywhere….even toilets! FREAKING GROSS YO.

The author, Paul, also posts his works on The Silicon Chickens Project. Someday we hope to see a real silicon chicken, but until then we’ll just read his stuff.

There are two additional books that have been brought to our attention and are NEXT on our reading list!

• The Gnome Lexicon – Marcia Lewandowski’s comprehensive study of gnome lore

• Goosebumps’ Planet of the Lawn Gnomes – R.L. Stine’s juenile horror story about what the lawn gnomes in people’s front yards are really up to

Why not pour a glass of scotch and pick up one of these literary masterpieces for the weekend?

Yours in staying smart and informed,
The Quick Brown Fox, Gnome Librarian

PUBLIC GNOME ANNOUCEMENT

Due to miserably frigid temperatures in and around The Gnome Abode, all the pipes in our community have frozen.

This should come as no surprise to you. Look around.

See those pipes snapped into pieces all over the ground? Notice how your water faucet doesn’t put out any water? That’s what I thought. And that’s what is going on.

Now everybody chill out. Okay, perhaps that was an inappropriate pun. It’s not easy always being the bearer of bad news.

Our Gnomish Fire Department (GFD) is on the job and working as quickly as their frozen ceramic hands possibly can. They’ve got light bulbs, hoses, snails, and a few buckets of water shipped in from the southern hemisphere. They’ve never dealt with a situation quite like this, but I’m sure they’ll do A-Okay.

We will provide you with updates about water usage as they become available.

Until then…drink beer and use perfume.

Your king,
Jerry The Gnome

Generally speaking, gnomes really aren’t into human holidays. We have our own holidays, our own heroes, and we don’t need yours. However, when there is a day off at stake, we will celebrate anything!

Gesundheit.

Since none of us are working today, we have had a lot of time on our hands. I’ve been encouraging everyone to learn a little about the MLK Jr. holiday so we don’t come across to you all as ignorant deadbeats.

A consensus was reached that MLK cards were to be artistically created and mailed to everyone in our address book. A delightful little card company called Card Gnome is a great place to start. We’re still working on this project right now.

We also decided to copy an idea that a few humans from Maine did a few years back. We created “snow gnomes” and placed them outside our courthouse to signify diversity.

It’s no secret that gnomes of darker skin tones are few and far between However, let it be known that the residents of The Gnome Abode welcome you with open ceramic arms! Plus, we’re getting bored starting at each other’s pasty ole’ selves.

While doing some preparatory research for this article, I stumbled upon photographs of a darker version of Sheldon posing around Chicago. Whodathunkit?! Does anyone know who this guy is and how we can get in touch with him?

Civil rights WOO HOO!
The Quick Brown Fox, The Gnome