You humans seem to think that rubber duckies are all fun and games. I’m here to inform you all that you are wrong. Dead wrong. They are dangerous, they are criminals, and they all need to be deflated with a sharp pin…one by one.
Young humans seem to enjoy them. (Naïve little freak shows.)
Old ass humans seem to think they’re pretty swell as well. (Put on a freaking shirt!)
Ernie, of the dynamic Bert & Ernie Duo, sings a whole song about them and I’m pretty sure he’s not even a human OR an animal! It’s Rubber Duckie You’re The One if you dare expose yourself to this unprecedented evil.
It’s a little known fact that gnomes and rubber ducks have never seen eye to eye. This goes beyond the obvious fact that they are short and we are awesome.
However, I never thought I’d see the day when The Gnome Abode became plagued by gang activity. But here we are, suddenly scared to come out of our mushroom homes because of the flash mobs and petty theft all of the sudden. There’s only one group of terrorist to blame….the rubber duckies.
I first encountered the Rubber Duckie gang over the weekend. There were four of them and only two of us. Richard Simmons Jr. is kind of a pansy, so it was more like one and a half.
I couldn’t believe what I saw….I was speechless! These gang members were dressed up LIKE GNOMES! Did those sneaky ass bastards really thought they were going fool us by infiltrating our gnomish society? Really? REALLY?! Ha! You have underestimated the power of the gnomes, my dear ducklings.
I had lunch with the monkeys today and they reported an infiltration in their neighborhood as well. We all gotta stick together and fight for justice. Gnomes and monkeys (who’s that pig?) shall stand as one!
These four shifty critters are now on the top of Gnomeland’s Most Wanted list. Here are their mug shots so you can properly identify them when they invade your house to splash shampoo in your eye or fart in your bathwater.
The terrorist threat level has officially been raised to MAGENTA.
Be careful out there, and remember…if you see something, say something.
Speak No Gnome
GPD Beat Cop