As you may recall from my recent post, I have suffered a severe and permanent injury as a result of a fishing incident in southern Illinois. I am slowly coming to terms with my paralysis and realizing my limitations.

With no sides or back to my feet, it is unlikely that I will ever be a successful travel gnome like my asshole brother, Sheldon. I was searching for day gigs on Craigslist last night and came across a generic office job at some major corporation that’s undergoing some sort of criminal investigation. Something about an illegal gnome trade cartel or whatever.

I guess a bunch of the employees quit because of moral reasons or because they didn’t want to get arrested. I’m too pissed off and depressed to concern myself with frivolous things like morals or legality.

So I started my new job today. It seems pretty standard so far. One of my tasks is to sort through mounds of paperwork and destroying confidential documents that may incriminate the company. The piles of paperwork are pretty massive, but sneaking a peek at all this shady shit sure makes the day go by!

Another one of my tasks is to answer phone calls from really angry gnomes and try to calm them down. I don’t really get who these gnomes are. I guess they’re trade victims’ family members, reporters, detectives. My goal is to get these gnomes off topic and to chat with me about more fun things, like parades and glue sticks.

I am also in charge of fixing the printer. I guess that thing is a piece of shit and has been breaking down for years. I’m the only gnome small enough to squeeze behind the toner cartridge so I get stuck trying to fix it. Today I pushed some wires around, got covered in ink, and the damn thing still didn’t work. I hope this doesn’t affect my chances of getting a raise in a few weeks.

Well nose to the grindstone.

Séamus:

Former travel gnome, current 9-5 illegal operation cover up specialist gnome…at your service!