Lady Gnome Loses Head On Black Friday (Official GPD Police Report)

Gnome Police Department Case Number: GNO0504013462

Incident: Loss of head

Location: Mushroom Top Bridal Shoppe

Reporting Officer: Lt. Speak No Gnome

Date of Report: 23 November 2012

Photograph in Evidence: Exhibit 1, below

At approximately 1040 hours on 23rd November 2012, I arrived upon the scene at Mushroom Top Bridal Shoppe at 61 South Beardly Drive. An anonymous 911 call was placed due to a public dispute involving “Black Friday” retail shopping.

A witness at the scene reported that alleged victim, Tabitha, was trampled while attempting to pull a wedding gown from a rack to try it on. The incident is alleged to have occurred at approximately 1010 hours.

Another witness  stated that Tabitha seemed blissfully unaware of her surroundings in the moments leading up to the incident in question. No witnesses can yet be named due to the horrific nature of this investigation.

A third unnamed witness reported that gnomes were carrying guns, shovels, and other forms of garden weaponry inside the bridal store at the time of the incident. This witness further reported that alleged victim, Tabitha, was seen entering the store with a head on her shoulders. However, her head was separated from her body as a result of the incident under investigation.

I conducted a survey of the crime scene and found several items of evidence. I collected samples of broken ceramic, an empty bag of Cheetos, and a shoestring.

I obtained a sworn statements from the above noted witnesses and  provided them with the case number and department information.

The alleged victim, Tabitha, remains in critical condition at the Gnome General Hospital (GGH). Additional information will be made available to the public once further further investigation is complete. No public questions will be answered on the record at this time. Thank you.

Signed,
/s/Lt. Speak No Gnome

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  1. Pingback: Planning a Headless Wedding | The Drunk Gnome

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