Even though I generally hate my brother Sheldon, I feel his pain. And he is family after all.
As you may recall, I was recently injured in a fishing accident. However, his injuries are far worse. It is true that he was in a bar fight, but you should have seen the other guy!
Maurice and I rushed to the hospital to find our poor brother being held together by scotch tape and missing a leg entirely. He was still half drunk off sangria and kept muttering angry words under his breath. I’m not really sure what the whole story is yet or what caused the bar fight, so I guess I’ll have to wait ’til he’s more coherent.
Much to our relief, there was minimal waiting time in the ER and the surgeon wasted no time using an extra large container of epoxy and steady hands. Pictured here are the hands of master surgeon, Gnomecow.
After a couple hours into the surgical procedure, Sheldon started to flat line. Reinforcements were brought in. Shown here is world-renown gnome surgeon, Happy Go Lucky The Monkey with TWO bottles of extra strength epoxy.
That little monkey knew his shit! By the end of last night, Sheldon was standing! Standing! On his own two feet! We thought he’d look like a freak show forever! I mean, sure, he does have a chuck missing from his leg and his crotch (please don’t ask for details), but all in all, he’s looking a million times more gnome-like.
To make him feel a little better, we compared battle wounds and realized that our feet were chipped off at a similar spot. I’ve never felt such a close bond to my brother. Stupid Maurice just sleeps all day, so it’s no wonder his feet are 100% in tact. He doesn’t even use his feet! Life is so goddamn unfair.
I helped Sheldon out of the hospital last night and he had the brightest smile on his face as he limped our of the ER. Physical therapy and all kinds of hardcore pain pills are in his immediate future, but he is going to take one day at a time. He may have to take a little time off from traveling, although I don’t dare bring that up to him yet. Dear god that wouldn’t go over well at all.
He is sure to have a lot of time on his hands in the next few weeks, as he is going to be somewhat bed-ridden, so you’ll probably see some posts soon about the adventure that led up to this successful surgical miracle.
Yours in brotherly love,
Séamus
We are monkeys, hooray! We just wanted to let you know we feel bad about Sheldon. He used to bring us exotic fruit from far away places. Once we ate something called a pineapple. It was big. Nappy cut it open for us. Oh yeah, and Baby isn’t a surgeon. He just felt like playing with glue. But we’re glad he fixed Sheldon up good. Maybe he can be the next Monkey Howser M.D.
Wait a goshdern minute. That big headed one of you in the diaper was NOT a board certified surgeon?! What about all those plaques and awards hanging on the wall? We’ve been bamboozled!
Irregardlessly, he did a hell of a better job than that schmuck, Dr. Gnomecow was doing. Therfore, I will agree to testify in court to giving that big headed hero an honorary surgery license. Please send the court date and location information at your convenience. Thanks, Monkeys.