Why Three Floyds Brewery Needs To Just Die

1. Impossible to get in

For the second time, I had to give up on getting in this so-called beer
establishment. What is this…a goddamn night club?!

2. Assholes & douche bags run the place

Talk to anyone there and the words “asshole” and “douche” just roll right off the tongue like molasses. The door guy? Asshole. The dude pouring beer? Douche.

The bartender? The waitress?  I wouldn’t know because I can’t get in. I’m sure he’s an asshole and she’s a douche though.

3. Overly hoppy beer

If I wanted to drink a plant, I’d go have a salad. Tone it down Floyd, Floyd, and Floyd….my taste buds want to punch you in the ear.

4. It’s always raining in Munster, Indiana

I gotta wait outside for at least an hour while they  muddle through other gnomes’ sub par service? Waiting outside in the rain?! As if Munster, Indiana wasn’t depressing enough already!

5. Indiana

Enough said.

6. Pretentious attitude

These bitches need to get off their high horse and actually do their job. So what if you’ve had a couple decent reviews. Here’s a crappy review! Take this and shove it underneath your upcoming “going out of business” sign!

7. Website hurts my eyes

So many bright colors. Why? Why is this necessary? I’m hungover and my eyes are  dripping from infectious tears, not only from your bright colors, but also from the sight of your sorry asses.

8. Impossible to get a growler filled

Once I gave up waiting to get a table, I thought I could at least get a growler of beer filled in the line on the side of the restaurant. Boy, was I wrong! Dude pouring beer looked like he had never seen a tap before.

After what seemed like days of endless waiting while he counted how many letter “A’s” were printed on his paycheck stub, I had to give up getting a growler fill too. Beerless! GAH!

9. No drinking while waiting

The least you douches could do is let me get wasted on your shitty beer while I wait for hours to get seated in your shitty restaurant. But NooooOOOOoooooo. I have to wait around outside in the rain, stone cold sober?!

You’re located in an office park full of cars! C’mon. What’s the worst that could happen?

10. T-shirts don’t come in gnome sizes

Human sizes small, medium, and large? That’s it? Really? Wow. Can you not figure out how to run the numbers and see what percentage of your customers are gnomes?I’m not good at math, but it’s freaking high!

Yet you STILL refuse to accommodate “our kind”. Who do you think you are? Chick-Fil-A?!

Die,

Caesar The Gnome

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About Caesar

I’m that weird guy in your office who seems to need an IV drip of coffee at all times to function at a normal gnome-like level. Everyone always thinks I must an overworked insomniac and could also really use a shower.

Then one day I try to make out with you in the supply closet. My breath reeks of Bailey’s Irish Cream Liquor! It all makes sense to you now! I’ve never been drinking coffee at all! So you let me make out with you. Eh, why not? You’e probably had worse.

I contribute occasionally in the ‘Gnome Brew Review’ Category. I’m opinionated, sneaky, and like to be handled (wink wink).

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