Gnome Smashing: Not Would Jesus Would Want For Easter

Originally posted Monday, March 18, 2013
Gloucestershire Echo – By MICHAEL PURTON

“A dozen garden gnomes were stolen and smashed to pieces in a bizarre incident in Cheltenham during race week.

Bernard and Cath Bond were upset when they woke up to discover that a dozen of their cherished gnomes and ornaments had been stolen from their front garden in Unwin Road, The Reddings, overnight last Thursday.

And the retired couple were reeling from the shock when a neighbour came to tell them that the gnomes and ornaments had been found smashed to pieces in a nearby alleyway.

Among the broken characters was a gnome which had belonged to Bernard’s late brother Trevor, who died in 2007.

Only its head was still intact, left lying among the shattered pieces of its former fellow garden dwellers.

“It looks like someone has taken them from the front garden and taken them down between some garages near the brook and smashed the lot,” 67-year-old Bernard said.

Grandfather Bernard, a retired bus driver, said other neighbours had had garden ornaments stolen in the past couple of days, and he believes there could be someone with a grudge against gnomes targeting them in the area.

‘How people can do something like this, I don’t know. It’s absolutely disgusting,’ he said.

‘The oldest gnome was about 15 years old.'”


I don’t have the slightest idea what “Easter spirit” is, but I do know this sure as hell ain’t it. As a gnome who was recently broken in a tragic accident, let me tell you…..we DO feel each broken piece of ceramic and we DO hate you for messing with us.

How would you like it if we ganged up and “conveniently” dropped ourselves on your toe? How whack would you look (and walk) with one less toe than you currently have?!

Help us bring these blast Brits to justice. If you have any information on these (or any other) despicable gnome smashers, write to us at [email protected]. We’ll get to the bottom of this disgrace and break their sorry faces off.

Love and hugs!
Alfredo The (recovering, and doing pretty dang well) Gnome

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About Alfredo

OMG you have no freaking idea how excited I am to be a part of this drunk gnome blog! I have SO MUCH TO SAY! And SO MUCH TO DRINK! I spend most of my time sipping low calorie wine coolers. I have the most ginormous closet full of sexy gnomish outfits and props that I can’t wait to model for you. Today I’m sporting my spring outfit, complete with a daisy hat….because yeah I’m just THAT kinda gnome. I am super-dee-super adventurous patiently wait my turn for our Master/Goddess to select me as a travel companion. One of my arms falls off from time to time, but my gnomenurse says it’s just a flesh wound. I love you all already! HUGS AND KISSES!!!!!!!!!!!!

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