Seven Reasons to Wash Your Hands in a Massage Parlor

I MADE IT THROUGH MY FIRST DAY ON THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yu Wong called me on Sunday to gave me the amazing news! The job at the shady massage parlor is MINE! ALL MINE!

Tonight was my first night on the job. I got there just before 9:00pm for my training session. As I looked around the parlor, I noticed that there were no massage beds. Hmm. Maybe there was a delay in the shipping or something.

No one else was in the parlor except Yu Wong and I. He pointed his stubby finger at a metal chair sitting behind a card table. “Sit,” he commanded. So I sat.

“Now listen,” He continued as I pulled back the chair and plopped down. “You sit here. Someone comes in? You ask him one question: ‘How many cans of tomato soup do you have in your cupboard?’ If he answers ‘three’, then you send them back to me. If he answers anything else, you make him leave. However you need to. There’s a gun taped to the underside of that card table.”

I stuttered and blinked twice. I thought I was going to be rubbing down random naked gnome girls all night while getting paid to take the gnome girl that I really want out for a proper date. Before I had a chance to respond, Yu Wang was walking towards the backroom.

“Wait!” I yelled at this hunched backside. “Can’t you give me and some advice? Some guidelines to do this job?!”

“Sure!” Yu Wang yelled and looked back with a deviant smirk on his face. “Go read the sign above the urinals.”

What a strange request. But with nothing else to go off of, I walked into the bathroom. This is the sign I found above the urinals:

THIS is the advice I’m given to do a shady job where I don’t even know what my job IS?! And why is there cooked and uncooked food in a massage parlor, anyway?