My first couple days at the Gnome Abode have been absolutely miserable. There’s no private showers, no place to get a manicure, and nothing to drink besides cheap beer in a bucket of ice. How do gnomes live like this? I’ll never understand the commoners.
I knew it wouldn’t take long for Jerry, King of the Gnomes, to notice me. I mean, how could he resist this? I coaxed Sheldon into taking me to the backyard tea party shop on Friday because I overheard Horace telling Alfredo that Jerry and Benjamin had a business meeting there at 11 am. I conveniently picked a table for Sheldon and I right next to the one that Jerry and Benjamin were at, looking so professional with their laptops open. (Add one point).
A just a few winks of my long eyelashes and a hint of exposed ankle as I crossed my legs, and suddenly Jerry was hovering over our table introducing himself. (Add one point).He was a bit older than I had expected. (Subtract one point). And when I stood up, I realized that he’s a bit shorter than I expected. (Subtract one point). But money and power can make all of those trivial things irrelevant.
Not to my surprise, Jerry asked me out to dinner Saturday night. When I inquired into what type of restaurants he liked, he had absolutely no suggestions. Indecisiveness is such a turnoff. (Subtract one point).
So I suggested a nearby sushi restaurant I found on Yelp called Zen Noodles and Sushi. Jerry had never had sushi before so I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to flaunt my worldliness. To start the evening, I ordered us a couple bottles of expensive Saki….one fruity and one crisp. Jerry thought the little cups were shot glasses and slammed each one down with a “hoot n’ holler”. It was so embarrassing. (Subtract one point).
Jerry had no idea how to read Japanese! Desn’t even gnome know Japanese?! God! SoI even had to make our dinner selections. (Subtract one point). I ordered a couple of my favorites, spicy scallop maki and eel tempura maki. I waited for him to ask me to talk about myself and he never did. He also responded to all of my questions with one word answers (Subtract two points) .
Just as we were starting to get buzzed enough to have a conversation, Jerry grabbed his throat and started hyperventilating. I don’t need to deal with this! Some Asian gnome behind the bar yelled “Choking! Choking! Lawsuit! No!” Panic spread across the restaurant, but I continued sipping the Wandering Poet saki and waited for someone to help him.
Our server ran over to our table started performing the Heimlich Maneuver. A huge piece of eel flew out of his mouth and barely missed my clean pressed blouse. I had even wore my best pearls! Ooooh! The nerve! (Subtract one point).
Turns out Jerry is also allergic to sushi and started breaking out in hives. (Subtract one point). What else could possibly go wrong?! I kept having to remind myself to be pretend to care and be nice and maintain my focus on becoming QUEEN. I stuck the small bottle of Snow Maiden Saki in my purse and hailed us a cab to a nearby 24- hour urgent care clinic. I got drunk in the waiting room while the physicians’ assistants worked on his nasty swollen beard face and red blotchy ceramic skin.
Definitely no good night kiss. Definitely my worst first date ever. But I can’t give up. I will give Jerry a second chance because I came all this way. And I WILL be QUEEN!!!!!!!!!
Rating this date a negative seven (-7),
Tabitha, Your Future Queen Gnome