How Gnomes Build March Madness Brackets

As the resident jock of this gnome gang, I’m sending this friendly reminder to you all to make your March Madness bracket picks this morning. What? You think just because we’re gnomes we don’t follow college basketball?! Bitch, please.

Okay fine, so this IS the first year that we’re doing a gnome bracket tournament, but I hope this will be the first of many new gambling opportunities in the future. Gamble more! Work less! Gamble more! Work less!

Now that we have a laptop set up in the backyard, I came across an article about these wacky bracket obsessions that have spread across corporate America, decreasing workplace productivity by people that don’t even give a shit about sports. See I told you so:

Unfortunately, that’s the only article I read about these brackets. I didn’t read any articles on how to actually construct a bracket. I figured constructing a bracket meant doing some sort of woodworking project so I pulled out my toolbox and started sawing. As I’ve said before, I’m the resident jock, NOT the resident woodworker. It was only a matter of time before shit hit the fan.

I’m typing to you all today with one hand because my other little gnome hand looks like this! Ow freaking ow! Fortunately, Jerry was shoveling nearby when the saw took on its own agenda and he ran over to rescue me from those evil saw teeth. Thinking quickly, he found some tighty whities next to the back dumpster to wrap around my bleeding hand. I didn’t even have to make a trip to the ER this time! Jerry can be so resourceful. And I’m actually getting kinda used to the stench of these dirty underwear on my hand.

While explaining to Jerry the string of events that led up to this horrific incident, he started laughing hysterically. WTF, Jerry?! Apparently, making a bracket doesn’t involve woodworking at all! You just click names of basketball teams on a computer! Well that would have been nice to know a couple hours ago!

Jerry took the time to show me what a March Madness bracket ACTUALLY looked like and how to fill it in. I feel like I’m totally losing credibility as the resident jock now, but at least I have another injury story. Everyone loves a good injury story over a beer or seven.

So here’s what my bracket looks like. I’m pretty confident that I’m going to kick every other gnome’s ass in this game.  But I need some competitors to talk shit to and help decrease my productivity. So go fill out your brackets now, but don’t try to build one. I learned my lesson the hard way so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

Bleeding on the keyboard but I don’t have any diseases so it’s okay,

Benjamin The Gnome




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About Benjamin

I like to think I’m the jock of the gnome group, but lately I think the universe is telling to slow down. I played middle linebacker in the GFL (Gnome Football League) for six years and won the Badminton Olympic Championship in 1962.

Lately, it seems that my ceramic bones just aren’t what they’re cracked up to be. (No pun intended) (Ok maybe just a little pun). Anyway, the other gnomes have been teasing me about being so accident prone so I thought I would contribute some of my best injury stories here from time to time. Everyone loves a good laugh at someone else’s expense, right?!

Instead of winning the Heisman Trophy, these days I’m winning bets on who’s gonna end up in the ER the most times per week. I welcome sympathy cards, flowers, and crossword puzzles. Much obliged.

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