Freaking sea cow!

Sheldon here. Remember me? I’m the gnome who carries around those tasty mushrooms in my  vest pocket? Yeah yeah, that was me that night. Trust me, you had a great time even though the last thing you remember was using my garden shovel as a pillow.

Our Supreme Master and Worshiped Goddess, Alyssa, recently had an amazing experience with some freakish creatures called manatees. Alyssa (who prefers to go by Gnomeplaya today) and her manfriend, Sridhar (who prefers to go by Pippi Longstocking today) recent traveled to the Homosassa River in Crystal River, Florida to seek out these wild beasts. Fortunately, I was lucky enough to ride along in Alyssa’s coat pocket for this trip. And yes….lame…she was wearing a coat because Florida was freaking freezing. Whodathunkit?

Playa and Pippi boarded a boat operated by Sir Hippie Dude with America Pro Diving. “Into the water you go!”, said Hippie. Our Master and Goddess looked SO HOT in her wetsuit OMG. Pippi was okay too, I guess. No Homosassa River jokes, please. Are manatees gay? Hmmm…that might work out well for me if they are. Anyway…..

Although we were all hardcore briefed on manatee abuse issues, Pippi was determined to capture and eat a manatee from these treacherous waters. Playa was successful in protecting the entire species from extinction. Feel free to send her thank you donations via pay pal for her valiant conservation efforts.

Look at her snorkeling skills!

Fortunately, the adventurous human couple let me hang out on the boat while they jumped in the 72-degree water with snorkels in search for sea cows. Pippi preferred to hang on to the side of the boat, where he was continually prodded and groped by horny manatees. Playa swam around frantically in search of deep manatee emotional connections and squealed with delight and panic at inappropriate times. Meanwhile, I took some amazing video and photography footage of these bizarre encounters with my Gnometastic 3000 Underwater Camera. One of my favorite shots is shown here, but this is just wet your whistle. You need to buy me a couple shots of bourbon before I release the really good ones to the general public.

Prior to the trip, Pippi concerned me that our guide company was super sketchy and was way mean to the manatees. I am ecstatic to report that they treated those stupid creatures with more respect than they did to me. Wait. Why does that make me ecstatic. My only complaint is that they didn’t have any wetsuits and life vests small enough for my petite gnomish (but sexy) body. I would have humped those things like they’ve never been humped. What beautiful gnomanatee babies we could have made….

Yours in lonliness and solitude,

Sheldon the Gnome