To get in the holiday spirit, a few of the guys and I went to this little outdoor German festival today. It was called Christkindlmarket and the town square was filled with food and craft vendors.

We were totally expecting to find and rescue new gnomes to release them from German captivity and introduce them to the clan of The Gnome Abode. I mean, shit….gnomes and Germany sort of go hand in hand.

According to the most reliable source known to us, Wikipedia, gnomes “originated in 19th century Germany, where they became known as Gartenzwerg (literally “garden dwarf”).”

Caesar, Leonardo, and I walked from booth to booth in search of gnomes in need of rescue.

“I found one!” Caesar exclaimed.

” No, look at all the gnomes over here!” Leonard yelled loudly, pushing Caesar aside.

I ran over to Caesar’s booth to find this:

“Is that really a gnome?” I asked Caesar.

“Of course it is! What else could he be? Pointy hat, riding a snail, next to a mushroom….c’mon dude,” He responded

I picked up the questionable creature and flipped him on his backside. He may have gotten a little dizzy, but I’m sure he’s fine. Much to my disbelief, the word DWARF was printed on the bottom.

DWARF?!

Thank you, but no thank you.

I moved on to the booth that Leonardo had found. Three red-hatted creatures stared at me with wide eyes and open mouths.

“Hey, Shopkeep! Down here! Yes, all the way down here. Hey, I got a question. What are those red-hatted creatures on the shelf over yonder?”

“Well aren’t you a dumb little guy! Each of those is a Santa Claus that you stick a candle in to light it up,” the Shopkeep replied.

Santa Claus?! Again, thanks but no thanks.

We were getting discouraged by this point in the day. Why are all these things posing as gnomes when they’re not really gnomes at all?!

What are these things? Gnomes? Santas? Dwarfs? Elves?

And what about these freaking statues?! Gnomes? Father Christmas? Just some old dude bundled up?

Exhausted, confused, and pissed off, we decided to get drunk. Fortunately, a vendor selling Gluhwein, a German hot spiced wine, was nearby. After we knocked back two boots each (one for each foot, of course!), I decided to make one final attempt at finding at gnome at the market.

This time, I picked the booth to check out. I immediately saw a hanging display of gnome-like wooden creatures dangling from ribbons. They all had red hats on. Some even had mushrooms in their pockets. Surely, these must be gnomes…I thought.

I asked a kind stranger to hoist me up and checked one of the creatures’ backside. (It was decent. C’mon. Get your mind out of the gutter.) This was my one last hope for Christmas. If a Christmas market didn’t have a single gnome in it, then apparently Christmas isn’t for gnomes at all.

BAVARIAN ELF.

Goddamn Bavarian Elf. Where the hell is Bavaria and where do their elves get off pretending to be gnomes?!?!?

I gave up and knocked back two more boots of Gluhwein.

Caesar and Leonardo could tell I was down in the dumps and bought the one with the mushroom for $13 when I wasn’t looking.

The next morning, I woke with a wicked hangover and found the thing on my kitchen counter. The guys had scratched the words “Bavarian Elf” off the back and carved the word “Gnome” in with a pocketknife.

Those guys are alright.

I don’t exactly know what to make of this elf turned gnome-convert sitting on my counter, or what to make of this whole Christmas holiday either.

And this, my friends….is why gnomes are confused by Christmas.

Sincerely,
X’smores The Gnome