I assume you all know my gnome brother, Horace. After years of separation, we have finally been reunited in The Gnome Abode! I didn’t even know I had a brother. But, cool!
All the details are still fuzzy, but based upon from the MGR (missing gnome report) that Horace showed me, I was kidnapped by an evil troll living below Gnomeland’s underground subway tunnel. I don’t know what the troll wanted from me or why he chose me specifically. All I do know is that my memory was erased down there. Probably for the best.
Saturday night, I woke up with a terrible headache and my brother, Horace, was standing over me. I only knew that he was my brother, Horace, because he told me he was my brother, Horace. I have no memories, remember?! Plus, we kind of look alike.
Well I take that back….I do remember one thing. “Doors open on the left at Clark and Lake”. Those words ring in my ears at all times. I can only assume that some sort of recording played those words over and over down in the subway tunnel while I was held captive by that evil troll. Since that’s the only thing I can remember, that is what I have chosen as my name. Makes sense, right?
Horace told me that he had left The Gnome Abode to rescue me. I don’t know how he knew where I was. You’ll have to ask Horace for those details.
Yesterday was my first day of freedom! Horace took me to the park and introduced me to liquor and art! Here I am sitting in the sunshine (my ears got so sunburned!) on a beach towel in the park! The light of day! The beautiful light of day!
Horace taught me how to mix something called vodka with something called aloe vera juice. Very tasty!
He also taught me how to draw with colored pencils. I can only assume that he’s a world famous artist. I mean just look at how many different colors of pencils he has!
Horace also taught me how to take what he calls a photograph. He let me borrow his fancy camera and I took a photograph of this tree. I think it’s pretty cool.
I love the outdoors! I’m never going under ground ever, ever again!
Death to trolls,
Doors Open On The Left At Clark And Lake, The Gnome
(P.S. – any suggestions for revenge upon trolls would be greatly appreciated)
Hey new guy, join my clan. I know all these gnomes claim to be your brother and family and s$@! but I’m your father. So join my clan. And don’t trust the gnomes, they are eviler (evelier? evilllier?) than trolls. I used to be king and they took me down. And whatever you do, don’t join the monkey clan. They are some kind of cult. Always happy and s#$!. They must be really high or waiting for the next space ship to some random ass comet. Telegraph me at number 2 and we’ll talk.
Telegraph 2….telegraph 2….is this thing on?
Daddy? Are you really my daddy? Where’s mommy? Are you really a king? Can you buy me lunch?
Answers in order: Yes; Yes; Papua New Guinea; Yes; Yes, but I won’t.
Bastille Posse meeting in 2 week. Be there.
Thanks for getting back to me Pops! Sounds fun! Are you gonna send me a Facebook invite to this posse meeting so I can properly docket it with the time, location, guest list, and agenda in my gnomail calendar?
Will you buy me lunch tomorrow then? the others got wind that I was chatting with you so they aren’t very welcoming to me at meal times and I’m famished!