Well I’m finally sober enough to write a post. So hey guys, what’s up!?
We’re still in the tour van in the middle of the desert somewhere. I have no idea how we get wi fi out here but hey, who am I to complain?
Um. Um. What am I supposed to write about here? I need a story. What can I remember from our time in San Fran after our debut performance?
Pizza Orgasmica! That’s what I remember…of course!
So this busty chick kept hanging around back stage after our show and stroking her fingers through my beard. It was dripping with sweat from our hardcore performance, but she didn’t seem to mind. She grabbed my trumpet from its case when I wasn’t looking and proclaimed that she wouldn’t give it back until I wined, dined, and sixty-nined her.
Just to get my trumpet back, (I swear that was the only reason) I took her to Pizza Orgasmica & Brewing Company. She’s a chick gnome so I’m assuming that her taste buds aren’t nearly as advanced and mature as mine. So I tried one of everything and well, she kinda sat there. Meanwhile, this lovely waitress delivered me brew after brew after brew.
I jotted down some tasting notes on the back of a crumpled receipt. Some of the most profound works of literature have been written in similar fashion. Just ask Emerson.
1. Golden Ale: no taste, watery, tastes like biscuits, gives me dry mouth aftertaste, bad for kissing
2. Four Grain Hefeweizen: orange aroma, smooth and creamy all the way through to the aftertaste, kiss me now
3. IPA: smells like a fern or plant of some kind, standard IPA, bitter lingering aftertaste, if IPAs smelled like weed I’d probably like them more
4. Blueberry Best Bitter: awesome most blueberry smell I’ve ever smelt, good taste too, bitterness isn’t overwhelming and counters the sweetness, better than a recent blueberry oatmeal stout I had, feeling very healthy after a serving of fruit.
5. Porter: average and insignificant, no smell, hint of barleywine flavor because of the alcohol content but otherwise totally standard, I think I fell asleep
6. Peach Pale Ale: amazing on smell, I want to rub this all over my body like lotion, tastes a bit bitter but balances out the sweetness, 6% alcohol isnt’ bad for a fruity beer, feeling excessively healthy after two servings of fruit
7. Pale Ale: I disagreed with myself at every sip as to whether it was bitter or sweet, super standard start, yet a smooth pleasant aftertaste, pale Cali gnome chicks need to go out and get a tan
8. Kolsch: no real comment, meh, how can you even really improve a Kolsch anyway? The name is fun to say five times fast though.
9. Amber Ale: bitter start to finish, not too heavy, nothing unique, a bit of a burnt toffee aroma which was nice. I need dessert….who’s still serving dessert at this time of night?
And so, boys and girls….the moral of the story is: Who says you can’t have your orgasmica and eat pizza too? Thanks, Roxy.
Ooooo Ahh Ahhhhhhhhh,
Lennon The Gnome and Trumpeter for Amish Meth Lab