Convicted Hot Tub Moonshine Gnome Escaped From Prison!

If any of you gnomes out there happen to see this hardened criminal, please comment on my blog post IMMEDIATELY. He has escaped from prison.

Chaos has come over my high-rise office building and we are all shaking with fear in our finely pressed suits.

(Sidebar: You may be wondering why I’m not wearing my finely pressed suit in my profile photo. Well I submitted a photo of myself in my Sunday best and it was rejected by the Site Administrator. She said to dress casual. But I don’t like to dress casual. She can be a real bitch sometimes.)

A crime of horrendous proportions was committed in the 5th floor gym in my office building last night. The super important financial companies that occupy this building are doing VERY well financially, so we recently had a hot tub, sauna, and steam room installed.

It only takes one gnome to ruin it for everyone. Apparently some cocky bastard thought it would be a brilliant idea to bring some moonshine into the hot tub with him. And I ask you, what kind of a workout is that?!

He was promptly escorted out by building security and arrested by the GPD (Gnome Police Department). Rightfully so. How dare he think that drinking in public, let alone a corporate office building hot tub was appropriate.

I despise all of these drunk gnomes. Do you have any idea what how many lawsuits I had to file to even be accepted as a contributor to this blog? I pulled out every discrimination law in gnomish society until that bitchy administrator was subpoenaed and court-ordered to allow my anti-alcohol opinions be heard.

I could go off about that for hours. But I digress. The Hot Tub Moonshine Convict has escaped from prison. I’ve been calling the GPD every 73 minutes to check on the status of their search. Nothing has turned up yet. Gnomes can be so dang sneaky when they’re on the run from the authorities. Gah. Please help.

Disgusted and Appalled,

Phillip the Gnome

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About Phillip

DISCLAIMER: Due to numerous discrimination lawsuits filed against us, we were court-ordered to include Phillip in our blog. Phillip is adamantly opposed to all forms of alcohol and debauchery.

He works a 9-5 job pushing papers around. Rumor has it that he’s an accountant in Pittsburgh, but when you ask him directly, he is never able to provide a clear answer as to what he does for a living. He refuses to wear anything except three-piece suits, and we had to roofie him to stuff him into this traditional gnome outfit for his profile picture.

We welcome you to send Phillip as much hate mail as possible.

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