Car washes, massage parlors, and Klonopin

Suddenly, there’s this really hot girl gnome hanging around here. I don’t know who she is or where she came from, but I want her. She seems a little bitchy, but I’m feeling up for a challenge. My fellow gnommates have always accused me of being a lazy son-of-a-bitch, but suddenly I feel this spring in my step.

That also may have something to do with the bottle of Klonopin I found in a medicine cabinet that one night when the sliding glass door was left open. Taking one of those per hour is reasonable, right?

Irregardlessly, I need to step up my game before I introduce myself to this mystery goddess. I need a shave. I need a job. And I need a better personality. I shaved yesterday, so today was my day to find a job.

I had two job interviews today, one was at the car wash, which is conveniently located next to The Gnome Abode. I’ll admit, it was a little intimidating walking into the shop. There was a huge gnome with tattoos all over his shaved head and a lot of the gnomes spoke some language that I couldn’t understand. The tattooed gnome asked me if I could hold a hose. I said yes. Then he asked me if I’d ever been arrested for stealing money. I said no. Then he said he’d call me and that was it. I don’t even think I gave him my phone number. But I’m still trying to stay optimistic.

My second interview was at a massage parlor that just opened up on the other side of the car wash. I figured they would be hiring since they just turned on their neon green flashing signs a couple days ago. A darling little Chinese gnome lady said hello and offered me a masseuse job on the spot. She didn’t even ask me any questions or ask for my resume. That’s a good thing because I have no prior work experience on my resume. It’s actually just some doodles on a sheet of paper with my name and contact information. I didn’t want to seem to desperate, so I told the parlor owner that I was definitely interested, but weighing my options, and that I would get back to her by the end of the week.

Could I really make a living as a professional gnome masseuse? I’ve never really touched anyone before, but I guess that’s not a prerequesite. The car wash guys seemed cool, but I’m pretty sure I heard snickering in the backroom as I walked out. I need a positive work environment, so I’m not sure if that’s the place for me.

To play it cool, I think I’ll call back the massage parlor tomorrow. I don’t even know it’s called because it doesn’t even have a sign out front! Is that shady? Whatever. I like shady. And income is income. If I can show the hot new girl gnome that I have a paycheck coming twice a month to take her out for a wine, dine, and 69, then surely she’ll be my soul mate for at least a night or two.

Your neighborhood potential masseuse in training,

Maurice The Gnome

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