Apparently that little ho, Roxy, is trying to teach herself the art of Voodoo so she can cast some crazy love spell and win the affection of some weird new band that’s going on tour. They’re called Mennonite Coke Workshop or something.
How do I know so much about her evil little scheme? Well I just happened to walk by her corner of the yard and this book was literally lying right out in the open. My curiosity got the best of me. There’s some really messed up stuff in there! Just my luck, Roxy happened to be hopping over the fence (most likely coming back from another of her “escapades”) and caught me reading her Voodoo book.
The next thing I know, I’m standing next to a Voodoo doll that looked strangely like me. The next thing I remember after that was sitting at a brewery in MIchigan called Hop Cat. Apparently, Roxy tried to mix up some “revenge brew” from the ingredients listed in her book. But I guess she fucked up because here we are drinking brews in a brewery. Not that’ I’m complaining…
While Roxy was busy studying her book to fix her brew spell, I ended up having time to give six brews a try. Initially, I was disappointed because there were no samplers offered. Point down. I tried to distract myself with the beer posters on the ceiling, eclectic art on the walls, and sun-catchers in the windows.
- My first brew was the Heavenly Hedgehog, a bourbon barrel aged strong ale at 9.1% alcohol. This had the strongest bourbon flavor and smell I’d ever encountered, which is a positive comment. It had a very smooth taste and I will definitely be drinking this again.
- Roggen Bitch was brew number two, coming in at 4.9% alcohol. I’ll be honest, I got it because of the cool name. It was pretty standard but drinkable. It was smooth bud didn’t have any significant spice.
- Brew #3 was Solitude by Vivant Brewing. It was 6% brown ale that was bland and needed more spice. However, it was very drinkable at this mid-stage of afternoon drinking.
- Hopasaur by Hop Cat was brew #4. Even though it was 8.7% alcohol, it was so goddamn hopping that I couldn’t even take two sips. Sad, I know. The citrus smell was alright, but keep it away from my taste buds.
- Brew #5 was Brainless on Cherries by Epic in Salt Lake City. It was 10% alcohol and very sweet. The slight bitterness didn’t overpower the sweetness, much to my liking. It didn’t taste too alcoholic but every other gnome at the bar scoffed at me for drinking such a girly drink.
- I wrapped up my round of brews with Raisin Apollo from Shorts Brewery. Surprisingly, it wasn’t too hoppy and didn’t taste that much like raisins. Thank god. I am terrified of both those things. It had a bitter aftertaste, which might be some of the raisins coming through. Which means I’ll likely have nightmares tonight.
Just as I was about to order my 7th beer, Roxy stuck that little blue doll in my face again and suddenly we were back in the Gnome Abode. Once I sober up, I need to go talk to talk to her and figure out what the hell just happened.
Light as a feather, stiff as a board,
Kamikaze The Gnome