Since King Jerry’s bitch, Tabitha, has seemingly been beheaded and captured in the evil lizard’s forceful reign, I got stuck taking notes at last night’s meeting. I hate having to pay attention at things. Taking notes is totally a chick gnome’s job.
Regardless, I scribbled some stuff down. Only about half of the gnomes from The Abode showed up on time to the bowling alley. Some stragglers stumbled in late and too drunk to contribute anything productive to anyone or anything.
After a series of heated debates, we decided that our weapons kinda sucked and we were too drunk to properly aim a weapon anyway. The idea of a lizard hunt quickly passed. After a couple more rounds of mango vodkas with ginger ale, King Jerry came up with a brilliant idea. We will bribe that bastard lizard into leaving us the *@&$ alone!
Today we embarked upon The Great Pilson Reconnaissance Mission of 2012. We got a bit of a late start on the mission because a few of the gnome soldiers wanted to start their Saturdays off with relaxing bubble baths. Then a few other gnome soldiers wanted to stop by the National Museum of Mexican Art. I’ve gotta be honest…it was pretty cool though. Then there was an stop for beer, a stop for ice cream, and a stop at the porn shop. Don’t ask.
Eventually, we did complete our mission and found the perfect bribe to present to St. Bastille Day. A Mexican folk art shop saved the day! We are not disclosing the nature of the bribe or any further details at this time, just in case that bastard lizard is reading this. We want our bribe to catch him off guard and distract him so much that he no longer cares about being in control of The Gnome Abode.
Tomorrow is the day. You just wait and you will see. I must say, I approve of the non-violent approach of this overthrow. I’m so anxious about how tomorrow’s negotiations will go that I can’t even bear to close my ceramic eyelids to get some shut eye.
Your hopeful Vice King President,
Alfredo The Gnome