This is your official gnome news reporter here, just doing my job. I hope all you lazy asses enjoyed your holiday off yesterday.
Gnome sightings are nothing uncommon these days, but I can’t help but notice an increase in weird places they’re popping up lately. For decades, I’ve been keeping up with stories about gnome theft and mysterious placements in countries around the world.
Perhaps you’ve wrongly assumed that humans are transplanting these gnomes from one location to another. Perhaps you’re wondering why we appear (and make news) in obscure locations on a regular basis.
Well, why do you go on vacation? Why do you get in your car and head to the suburbs on a Sunday afternoon? We have our reasons too. And frankly, they’re none of your goddamn business.
Take for example, the gnome homes that started popping up in Overland Park, Kansas.
Or the gnome that was found run with interior electrical wires cut at the ends in Hanover, New Jersey.
Or maybe the 50+ gnomes that showed up (in protest?) at a water treatment plan in Parry Sound, Ontario.
Sheesh, humans. We’re just going about our active lives…THIS ISN’T NEWS! Do we write a story every time any one of you head down to Disney World for a couple days? NO!
See, we pretend to be irritated at all the media attention, but truth be told…we’re media whores just like you. We learned it from your celebrities, and it seems to be working out A-OK for them.
Keep writing about us, and we’ll keep on traveling. Deal and done.
SpeakNoGnome the Gnome
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