About SpeakNoGnome

Bad Gnomes, Bad Gnomes…Whatcha Gonna Do?

Take a moment out of your drunken Friday stupor to listen to the sirens wailing behind you.

Heh heh made ya look!

That’s probably the Scotch talking. Anyhoo.

Gnomes are being turned into cops, and cops are being turned into gnomes. Or something like that. Police in Durham (UK of course, where else?) have enlisted garden gnomes dressed in uniform to fight crime.

Photo credit: Ceri OakesSWNS.com

Photo credit: Ceri OakesSWNS.com

According to a Daily Mail article, a different gnome representing a different crime will be highlighted in the campaign each week. “Although the introduction of the gnomes is light-hearted and a bit of a gimmick it also has a real purpose for us,” said Chief Constable Mike Barton.

So what are the gnomes specifically fighting against? Theft, drunk driving and shoplifting. Road safety, cycle security, and neighborhood watch are also up for grabs.

I also read that a concrete business in Darlington, Dekra Crete, created the cop gnomes for local law enforcement free of charge. Mad props to local potter, Annette Metcalfe, who painted each one by hand.

Photo credit: Ceri OakesSWNS.com

Photo credit: Ceri OakesSWNS.com

So keep your eye out for these lil’ buggas if you’re in the area, because if you spot all 10, you might just win a prize!

DISCLAIMER: This is a “nudge nudge wink wink” to American police forces, who are entirely too stuffy for their own dang good. Bring on the gnomes. We know how to start shenanigans, which means we kinda sorta know how to stop ’em.

Stay safe out there, kiddos.
Lieutenant SpeakNoGnome the Gnome, Battalion 36

33 Gnomes Found in Van and Seized by Police

Leave it to the UK to crank out awesome headlines like “Gnomes in police custody after night-time adventure.”

Apparently, someone was driving around the Banff area with 33 gnomes and some other miscellaneous lawn ornaments in the back of a van. The driver was pulled over (for some reason?) and the gnomes were identified as those belonging to residents of the Aberdeenshire area.

What a joyride!

Scotland’s favorite schoolboy, Oor Wullie, was joyriding along with the renegade gnomes as well. A schoolboy….what fun! The gnomes are believed to have been taken from local residences between Wednesday and Thursday this week.


If you’re missing a gnome or know someone who is, The Courier newspaper may be able to get you reconnected. Send an email over to [email protected]. The police could probably use a little help reuniting gnomes with gnome owners too, if you could lend a helping hand.

Keep in mind, this is BREAKING NEWS and we don’t have the full details of the story yet.

  • Who IS the driver of the van?
  • What IS his/her connection to the gnome community?
  • Where were they all going on that joyride?
  • Were the gnomes kidnapped or did they leave their homes willingly?

You’d better bet our gnome sleuths are on the case. Tip us off if you hear anything!

Lieutenant SpeakNoGnome, the Gnome

Are Tree Yetis a Legitimate Threat to Gnomes?

So um..we have a problem here.

While trolling the Interwebs, I came across an article that garden gnomes were “out” and tree yetis are “in.”

Which prompts the obvious questions…what the hell is a tree yeti and do they actually pose a legitimate threat to our very existence?

Well here’s what the dang thing looks like:

treeyetiPretty freaking creepy, if you ask me. This thing does WAY beyond the average gnome’s capacity for creepiness. No question about it.

Apparently, these tree yetis are taking the suburbs by storm. Have you seen any of these things lurking around? We need to assess the severity of this situation.

The Gnome Police Department (GPD) would greatly appreciate it if you could email any photographic evidence of tree yetis to us at [email protected].

Over and out.

Muchas gracias,
Lieutenant SpeakNoGnome

Warning: Gnomes Cause Vehicular Damage


A parked car in Wesley Close, Charmouth, was damaged by a garden gnome when the heavy concrete ornament was placed on the vehicle’s roof.

Last Sunday, a black Citroen DS3 fell victim to a gnome who was ON A RAMPAGE.

Photo credit: Big Kid Small City

The unidentified gnome smashed in the car’s rear windscreen and offside rear window. British people are so weird….what the heck are those car parts?! In America, we just call ’em all windows.


Gnomes like this give us a bad reputation. If you have any information as to where this gnome is from, what his name is, or what his deal is, you might want to call the police. Apparently, the shit went down on 2/23/14 between 1:30 am and 2 am. Get your facts straight and no blackmailing, okay?

P.S. – The crime reference number is 007708.

Your local law enforcer,
SpeakNoGnome, the gnome

Official Gnome Police Report: There’s a Flasher on the Loose!

CASE NO.: 29831 1/2

DATE: December 4, 2013


DETAIL OF EVENT: An unidentified gnome wearing little more than heart-shaped boxers was spotted on the corner of Mushroom Lane and Miniature Boulevard this morning at approximately 11:32 am. Said gnome wore a bathroom and opened it to expose an unmentionable atrocity at female gnomes standing around minding their own business.

SUSPECT IN QUESTION: We currently have no leads. A paparazzi photograph is shown below, however, we have no name to place with the….ahem….face. Any information should be directed to www.thedrunkgnome.com or [email protected]. A handsome reward may be offered.


ACTIONS TAKEN: None. I’m still trying to wash the shock and shame from my little gnome eyes.

SUMMARY: There’s a flasher on the loose! No gnome needs to see this. If you can identify this exposed individual, please contact GPD immediately.