Should St. Bastille Day adopt a pet?

It gets a little lonely around here sometimes. All these gnomes are annoying. My new best friend, GnomeCow, abandoned me for a month to go visit his family. He is bi-species and half cow, so that’s why I can get along with him. Gnomeplaya is neglectful and also a girl, which means she has girl cooties.

So I started thinking today that I need a pet. My first thought was a horse. But not just any horse. A horse that I could paint in whacked out colors and ride around town to freak people out. Of course, the paint would be animal safe. What kind of lizard do you take me for?!? I did some price comparisons and holy crap, horses are expensive. Not to mention, I haven’t been able to locate any animal-safe paint online. If any distributors are hiding out there, throw me a bone, will ya?

So my second thought was a dog. I used to be disgusted by dogs ever since that German Shepard had her way with me back in college and never bothered to call the next day. Completely unrelated, I just signed up for a whitewater kayaking class. The first eight weeks take place in a pool, which sure…sounds pretty freaking lame. But it’s training so when I get out there on the class 5 rapids, I don’t forget how to roll and get drowned under a boulder. Thanks to the latest REI catalog that Gnomeplaya left lying on the kitchen table, I have learned that some dogs like to kayak too. Perhaps this is a perfect match! But now I’m wondering if I’m responsible enough to take care of a dog when we’re not kayaking together. I’m selfish, pretentious, and don’t give a shit about anyone but myself. Perhaps I need to work my way up to dog ownership. I hear those buggas croak if they don’t get to eat and stuff.

So my last thought on this matter today was perhaps a turtle or a tortoise. Who knows what the difference is anyway? I thought these would be super low maintenance, but the more I read about them the more I’m thinking otherwise. First of all these there’s some kind of media propaganda about pet turtles causing Salmonella. Well I don’t plan on eating the pet turtle….I don’t know, perhaps more research is required on this matter. An article I read used the words “long term commitment”, “stressed”, and “prone to disease”.

Now I don’t know what to think. Does anyone out there on the Interweb know of any pets that would require absolutely nothing from me but yet give me everything I want? Suggestions welcome.

Distressed and lonesome,

St. Bastille Day The Lizard

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