Evan Gelical Creates New Gnome Religion


There has been a call for a gnome religion. I am here to answer that call. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Evan Gelical, The Gnome.

I used to be just like you…ordinary, simple-minded, lost. After a spiritual pilgrimage to the Shawnee National Forest, I have discovered that I am actually a religious prophet!

What is a spiritual pilgrimage, you ask? Good question! A pilgrimage is a life-changing and spiritually invigorating experience, typically involving a journey to a holy site to perform a set of rites.

Before my journey, I consulted Beliefnet, which gave me 10 tips on how to perform a spiritual pilgrimage. Oh you want me to share them with you? Well okay then…sure!

1. Choose your destination

2. Declare your intention to go

3. Prepare physically

4. Prepare mentally

5. Inform family and friends

6. Keep realistic expectations of your journey

7. Give yourself up to your pilgrimage

8. Deal with reality upon your return

9. Keep the momentum going with moderation

10. Revisit your pilgrimage from home

What did I do on MY pilgrimage? Another good question!

Well, I walked a lot. I mean, A LOT. I carried around huge backpack and a creature-catching net for protection. I endured torrential downpours of rain, death-defying wind storms, and the gloom of night.

I ate a lot of wild mushrooms. I engaged in ancient hanging rituals involving a noose and a tree. I sweat profusely. I eliminated all toxins from my body to allow the spirits of the enchanted forest to enter my veins.

I became exhausted. I didn’t eat or drink for days…not even beer. The hair of my beard started to fall out. My eyesight faded to black. I couldn’t stop crying.

I screamed into the nothingness above me until I heard something scream back at me. The voice that returned my call was terrifying. The voice told me that gnomes have a great and meaningful purpose in this life and there is an immediate need for a spiritual leader in gnomish society.

I don’t remember much after hearing these words. Apparently, some hunters found me unconscious and I woke up in GGH (Gnome General Hospital). I’m stuck here for a few days while under observation, so I’m sketching out a few religious tenets to distribute to you all in a pamphlet.

Stay tuned to find the path to spiritual enlightenment and a life of fulfillment and meaning!

Oh hey nurse, could I get some more applesauce, please?

Your highly-anticipated gnomish spiritual leader,
Evan Gelical, The Gnome

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