Art Museum Theft Blamed On Gnome (and rightfully so)


Since King Jerry garnishes my wages and my gnomish government benefits don’t pay worth shit, I have to take advantage of lots of free stuff. Art is rarely free. However, admission to the Art Institute of Chicago is free on the first a second Wednesdays every month! Betcha didn’t know that, now did ya?

The thing is, only human art is shown here. Meh. Human art is weird and dumb and I don’t get it. I’ve been wanting to start a gnome art museum that features only art made by gnomes. However, starting a museum sounds expensive, and like I said….I’m broke.

I planned to visit the Art Institute for ideas and inspiration for my own museum yesterday. But instead of just visiting, I decided to steal stuff. C’mon hear me out before you judge.

Um… yeah….so I don’t really have a good defense. I just wanted some souvenirs. It was so easy too! The security guards never expect anything from a tiny, harmless gnome!

So I stole a couple things. Okay, whatever just don’t tell anyone. Okay? Cool, thanks. Now, check out what I snagged!

1. Glass paperweight that kinda looks like a bong. This could come in handy. Party at my place Friday night?

2. A crap ton of other paperweights. WHY? Where do these collectors live that is so windy that they need this many paperweights to keep their documents from blowing away? Why aren’t humans ‘going paperless’ anyway!?

3. A casket from Spain! It’s made of silver and oak and ya know, none of us live forever, right?! Let this post hereby serve as notice that I shall be buried in this fancy little casket when it is time for me to pass into the gnomish afterlife.

4. Creepy painting with a bunch of fat babies armed with weapons. It creeped me out so much that I couldn’t look away and I just had to have it. This painting has inspired me to recreate this scene with gnome heads put in the place of creepy baby heads. I think it’s gonna be great!

Like I said, don’t tell anyone, alright? Writing a blog post doesn’t count as incriminating evidence, does it? The Abode really needs to hire a gnome lawyer.

Yours in thievery,
Horace The Gnome


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About Horace

I’m that gnome who always thinks the lawn is greener on the other side. Sure, I’e practically had life handed to me on a silver mushroom, but still I feel that he is missing out on something great that I should be. My destiny is not being fulfilled within the confines of this spirit that I cannot accept as my own. I recently lost 0.04 ounces since I set his New Year resolution. I’m trying to stay motivated to work out and stop being a Fatty MaGoo. Recently I’ve has taken up rock climbing. Stay tuned…

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