I hope you’ve all been saying your Hail Gnomies and Our Pointy Hats every day….for your own sake. This is your gnomish spiritual leader speaking, so please have a seat and make yourself comfortable.
I’ve been getting wind of complaints about the lack of spiritual enlightenment sessions this past month. Lay off already, will ya? I’m working on my lesson plans. It’s not like the Gnomish Lord and Savior works around MY schedule, you know?
With that being screamed (er, said), I hereby announce that I am outsourcing.
Father Horton Hammered is a flask with a lot to share about the world of spirituality. I have recently made many appointments with Father Hammered and spent many hours drinking from his wisdom. Hence my temporary absence.
We have been working day and night to transcribe the ancient and sacred Book of Holy Hammered. It’s very complicated and I’m sure none of you gnomes would understand it. That’s why we’re helping you. You’re welcome.
We’re currently on page 3.
While we hammer out the rest of this trying, but worthwhile task, I will leave you with a few nuggets of wisdom….straight from the spout of Father Horton Hammered.
- The outdoors is always better than the indoors, unless it’s really cold out.
- Getting pissed off at your fellow gnomes is a dumb way to spend your days. Choose your battles wisely and protect your fragile limbs.
- When presented with a choice about good and evil, always choose the option that promises the most liquor.
May the peace of the spirit world be with you today and for a few hours tomorrow,
Rev. EvanGelical the Gnome