Do you ever dream about gnomes? Because I do.

For the past several months, I’ve been paying more attention to my dreams. I’ve actually gone so far as to start a GoogleDoc and type out as many details of my dreams as possible when I can remember them. My dreams are usually pretty neutral…not overly positive and not like a scene out of a horror movie. My dreams tend to have common themes like feeling out of place, getting lost, feeling anxious, and seeing bizarre scenes along the way.

sleep1As someone who manages a blog run by gnomes, you’d think that I’d have a lot more dreams about the lil’ buggas. But you know what? I don’t! And that is unfortunate.

Last night, however, I had a dream visiting a really amazing store full of gnomes and buying one that was unlike any I’d ever seen before. Here’s how it goes:

I felt suddenly compelled to go back to the job I worked at nearly six months ago and quit to find a better path. I wondered if they needed my help again and walked to my old office to see. Not unexpectedly, there were all sorts of people I didn’t recognize sitting in my old chairs and offices.

I felt awkward and out of place. I found an empty desk and began rummaging through it. There were stacks of $20 bills in one of them. I quickly closed the drawer, figuring that I would get blamed if one went missing. I stared out of the high rise window, gave a heavy sigh, and gave up on staying any longer.

I wandered out of the building, down the street, and into a shop that I’d never seen before, but that looked intriguing. The moment I walked in the door, my eyes lit up at all the gnomes staring back at me. I fixated one one particular porcelain sculpture by the door that was centered on a tiny pink and blue high heel. There were several gnomes perched upon the high heel, along with woodland creatures like foxes and squirrels.

I texted a picture of the sculpture to my boyfriend, who said he was on his way to see this store for himself. Finally not feeling out of place any longer, I bought it.

And then I woke up.

sleep2Perhaps my dream was reaffirming my feelings of feeling unsettled and out of place in my current environment. Perhaps it was letting me know that I made the right career decision six months ago. Perhaps it was telling me to not look into the past but embrace opportunities for chance and randomness that are coming ahead.

Or perhaps it’s just telling me to buy more gnomes.

Regardless, I’m hoping to have more dreams about gnomes in the near future. Not only because I think they’re awesome, but because they have a weird way of untangling my twisted mind and clearing out some space to think.

Photo credit: madlyinlovewithlife,katieash via Flickr

Your Daily Dose of Spirituality

I hope you’ve all been saying your Hail Gnomies and Our Pointy Hats every day….for your own sake. This is your gnomish spiritual leader speaking, so please have a seat and make yourself comfortable.

I’ve been getting wind of complaints about the lack of spiritual enlightenment sessions this past month. Lay off already, will ya? I’m working on my lesson plans. It’s not like the Gnomish Lord and Savior works around MY schedule, you know?

With that being screamed (er, said), I hereby announce that I am outsourcing.

photo (1)

Father Horton Hammered is a flask with a lot to share about the world of spirituality. I have recently made many appointments with Father Hammered and spent many hours drinking from his wisdom. Hence my temporary absence.

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We have been working day and night to transcribe the ancient and sacred Book of Holy Hammered. It’s very complicated and I’m sure none of you gnomes would understand it. That’s why we’re helping you. You’re welcome.

We’re currently on page 3.

While we hammer out the rest of this trying, but worthwhile task, I will leave you with a few nuggets of wisdom….straight from the spout of Father Horton Hammered.

  1. The outdoors is always better than the indoors, unless it’s really cold out. 
  2. Getting pissed off at your fellow gnomes is a dumb way to spend your days. Choose your battles wisely and protect your fragile limbs.
  3. When presented with a choice about good and evil, always choose the option that promises the most liquor.

May the peace of the spirit world be with you today and for a few hours tomorrow,
Rev. EvanGelical the Gnome


Gnomes Join Forces with Bunnies and Buddhas…at Mormon Church


Originally published by By Mike Raptis, The Province March 27, 2013

Everybody has a calling at the Mormon church in Kamloops.

Brian Arnold, a retired, 30-year member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, just didn’t think his own would now involve gnomes, bunnies and Buddhas.

After 68 lawn ornaments were mysteriously placed behind the church some time between Thursday evening and Friday morning, Arnold – who discovered them neatly lined up and arranged from big to small – knew he had a job to do.

“I’m thinking some had sentimental value and sure enough, they did,” he said Tuesday, after fielding a number of calls from perplexed seniors around town.

“I’ve just been running them around to people,” Arnold said.

An 89-year-old woman phoned him about two dogs missing from her lawn. She got them back.

The first lady to come to the church was missing a family heirloom her dad made for her – a small red house – which Arnold found with the rest of the ornaments he has stored away for safekeeping.

“The lady said she had been praying that this would come back to her,” Arnold said. “She was a bit teary-eyed. That makes it all worthwhile.”

Still in his possession are items Arnold thinks may be valuable, such as a copper rooster with individual thin-leaf copper feathers – “lots of neat ones” – he said.

The mystery of who is behind the prank is far from solved.

Police have received the file and have asked their crime analyst to conduct a search of any other reported thefts of lawn ornaments, but there are “absolutely no leads to go on,” said RCMP Staff-Sgt. Grant Learned.

“The way things were placed,” Learned said, “indicates they were nicely placed in a decorative environment, so who knows?”

Arnold mentioned that a woman and her friends had just stopped by to claim a gnome with a blue coat and a red hat.

“Her friend was going to put (a notice) out on a tweet or something. I have no idea, I’m retired. I don’t know what a tweet or Twitter is,” Arnold said.

512px-FLDS_Eldorado_hiYou silly Canadians! It’s no mystery why we gathered together with other religious figures at your church…it’s a spiritual movement! Yes, bunnies are religious too. Haven’t you even gone to a Catholic church at Easter?!

We are pissed that you disturbed our gathering. We gnomes, buddhas, and bunnies were devising a plan to combine all our silly religions into one….led by gnomes of course.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a day on everyone’s busy social calendar to meet for spiritual awakening sessions?

Of course you don’t.

Anyway, I’m re-contacting everyone to reschedule now. So when you see us camped out back with a few of your wives, leave us be.

Muchas gracias.

Gnomes Discover Poison Jell-O Jiggler Eggs from 1992


Now that we drunk gnomes have been around more than a year, we can reference posts from LAST YEAR’S HOLIDAYS! WOOT!

photo (3)Check out my post from Easter 2012, where I tell you all about how gnomes and Easter just don’t get along. Easter 2013 was even more traumatic. Why, you ask?

Some freak show humans introduced us to the ancient practice of making Jell-O Jiggler eggs for Easter. I asked silly humans, “Silly humans, why are you discontent with simply turning eggs inappropriate colors like you’ve been doing for decades?

photo (1)Silly humans simply shrugged and poured strange mixtures of goopy ingredients into oval-shaped molds. We were all skeptical, of course. But our souls became worn down over time and we succumed to the power of the jiggily egg.

After consuming a half a dozen, this badass gnome (who hasn’t officially introduced himself to any of us yet because apparently, he’s “too cool”) flipped over the box of Jell-O used for the (2)



This Jell-O expired 21 years ago! Well no shit, Sherlock….no one’s been making Jell-O eggs since 1992 either!

photo (4)A few of us ended up in the urgent care with IV drips. It’s hard finding medical facilities open on Easter so a few of us are still hanging out in the waiting room.

There ain’t no respect for the uninsured gnome.

Happy freaking Easter.

Another year down….

<3 Alfredo The Gnome

Join Us TODAY For a Gnomish Spiritual Awakening!


Listen up, my fellow gnomes. Your spiritual leader is speaking to you in an ominous voice.

Today is the day you’ve been waiting your whole lives for. A gnomish spiritual awakening is just around the corner and YOU are invited!

There are just a few things to keep in mind as you journey from a meaningless petty existence to a transcendent and enlightened state of peace and beauty…

  • church
  • All gnomes are welcome and accepted at the awakening. If you don’t like someone next to you, keep it to yourself because I don’t care.
  • This is not (I REPEAT, NOT) a spin off of any human religion. Those are dumb. This is the real deal.
  • No chewing gum during the awakening. It annoys me greatly.
  • When the Gnomish Lord and Savior tells you to drink a beer, drink a beer. No questions asked.

So alright! With those strict rules and regulations out of the way, let’s get this party started! Here’s the details:

  • WHO: You! That’s why you’re reading this. Dur dur dur.
  • WHAT: The very first gnomish spiritual awakening ceremony.
  • WHEN: Today at 3:00pm
  • WHERE: The Gnome Abode (newly redesigned) Temple. Google map it.
  • WHY: Because there is more to life than mindlessly going about your daily routines and you deserve to find purpose deep within your pointy hat.

I look forwarding to bringing you one step closer to a better version of you! See you at 3!

Your gnomish spiritual leader,
EvanGelical The Gnome