Cracking Cankles

I was finally able to hobble over to this Internet machine after hours of screaming in agonizing pain. Have you ever had an ankle injury? Yeah yeah, it sucks whatever. Now. Have you had a CANKLE injury?! OMG these are like 104% worse. For those of you who are skinny and/or stupid, let me learn ya something…..

Exhibit B: Cankle Education

It all started at my friend Katie’s retirement party Saturday night. Well I thought it was her retirement party anyway. Turns out she had just gotten hired at a new job instead and she’s only 29. Who knew?! Katie and I go waaaaaay back. She and I used to make out behind the maple trees at recess during out time at the Woodlands Academy of Magic Arts. Ah memories…

I found a brilliant receipe for blueberry vodka/Godiva white chocolate/Licor 43 martinis and had about 8 of ’em before heading out to Katie’s retirement, er hirement (?) celebration. There was hugging, there was groping, and there was an entire martini list that begged one of each to be ordered.

I was hoping Katie would go back to my mushroom pad in the garden to shack up that night but she was playing hard to get. I think there’s someone else.  Rejected and wasted, I pulled back up my suspenders, buttoned my vest and much as it would button over my ever-extending waistline, and staggered towards the door. This is the precise moment that a magical evil stair appeared from the void of darkness and attacked me for no reason whatsoever.

“Ow! Ow! My cankle! My cankle!” I screamed as I tumbled in slow motion and saw my life flash before my eyes. (Eh, it was okay). That cankle cracked like no cankle has ever cracked before.

The bouncer nervously glanced around to see if there were any witnesses to this horrific incident. There were not. He took his pretentious metrosexual shoe and shoved me out the door into the frigid 31-degree night.

Due to the swelling, my cankle is now 5 times the size of my normally sized cankle. Work boots will never fit over this horrid thing. I’m thinking of buying some of these socks to see if they live up to the hype. The folks on the infomercials can’t stop raving about them. What do you think?

Cracked cankle curing sock

Hobbling but not a Hobbit (I hate those snooty bastards),

Maurice The Gnome

 

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