Gnomes v. Trolls: A Not-So-Epic Battle In The Countryside


If you know anything about us at all, you know we hate trolls and trolls hate us. Although no one is really sure why, this hatred has been brewing since the beginning of time. Or at least since 1977 when Wil Huygen wrote the cleverly titled book, Gnomes.


The hate raged on throughout the 1980’s. For blatant examples, check out David The Gnome.
According to David, trolls are “malevolent and clumsy creatures who always make trouble for the other inhabitants of the forest, as well as gnome poachers.”
Last weekend, I went out for a stroll in the countryside with a few of my distant cousins. Little did we know, but we had stumbled upon troll territory.
Living at The Abode, I’d never seen such creatures! I’d only read about them in books and seen them on TV! But they exist! And they are wretched indeed.
They stared at us, with their wacky ass hair. Blue? Teal? Magenta? WTF.
My cousins and I stared back, holding our ground. They’re pretty beefy. I wasn’t scared.
They kept staring at us with those beady little eyes. I’d had enough. “Stop staring already!” I yelled.  “Do something!”
Hence began the attack. One particularly creepy one started crawling up dear cousin, Shebangbang. I ran to his aid and pushed it off with my foot. The creepy troll just kind of gurgled and crawled away.
“Really? Really! That’s all you got?” I screamed with my fists of fury pumping in the air.
No response from the trolls.
“Eh.” Shebangbang shrugged, took a puff of his pipe, and grabbed my shoulder to push me back onto the hiking path.
So I guess that was that. An epic battle? Perhaps not. However, I highly doubt that this will be my last encounter with the trolls. Let this serve as a reminder to all of you gnomes reading this: keep your eyes open and your fists pumping because you never know when neon hair will appear in unexpected places.
Death to trolls (because they seem kinda lame),
~Speak No Gnome, GPD Depuy Sheriff~

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