So Jerry and Horace threatened to snap my broom handle in half if I didn’t finish the entire household’s laundry before the end of the weekend. They can be total bullies sometimes. I may or may not be a push-over. I don’t have a problem with taking my turn doing the household chores, but I can’t help to notice that I’m the only one doing all of the work. I was hired to work in this backyard as a Sweeper. Seemed easy enough from the ad I responded to…. See some dirt, sweep it up, repeat, repeat, repeat.
But today I find myself at a laundromat. Washing EVERYONE’s solid colored shirts and suspender pants with some goopy stuff the girl at the front counter kept referring to as “detergent” and “fabric softener”. WTF?!
The closest laundromat I could find was an oddly bright colored establishment called Bubbleland. (Bubbleland, I thought….sounds like a fun place full of merriment and joy!) I was wrong. Dead wrong.
First of all, look at this place! It’s freaking creepy as hell! Bubble letter “Clean is good” slogans? Why is everything so bright? Why am I fenced in? How is that man in the black shirt coping with these conditions?!
Second of all, the smallest of all the washing machines cost $1.80! How does any gnome ever afford to have clean clothes! Isn’t this a basic gnomish right!? I’m writing my alderman a strongly worded letter.
Third of all, the dryers were so huge that I literally had to climb into it to start pulling the dripping wet mass of clothing on top of me. It was humiliating. You know all those cheesy romantic comedies where a cute single guy gnome and a cute almost-single girl know catch each others’ glance across the rows of dryers, fall in love at first sight, and overcome a test of obstacles in their lives to be together and find true happiness? (I love those movies)
WELL THOSE MOVIES ARE A LIE! I’m never going to meet the gnome girl of my dreams here if I look as ridiculous as I do sweeping in a dryer!!!
A grueling four hours passed and finally the spin cycle made its final spin. Time to crawl back in and pull ’em out. Ugggghhhhh….
OooooOOOOOO! So warm! So clean! So fresh! Oh I think I’m just going to stay and nap in here! The other gnomes would be SO JEALOUS if they had ANY idea how amazing this feels.
What? What’s that you’re mumbling about, weird man in the black shirt? No. No. But…but…but…You can’t be serious. NOW I HAVE TO FOLD EVERYTHING?!?!??!?!??!?!