I’m sure you caught the recent police report about the horrific indecent regarding my loss of head.
I regained consciousness this morning at about 6:30am. I know what you’re thinking. How exactly does one regain consciousness when one has no head? It’s a valid question and I’ll give you that.
You see, gnome heads aren’t built like human heads. Our neurological brain waves transcend the boundaries of space and time in a magical way that telepathically connects to the other bodily functions.
That’s what Dr. A. Chu told me anyway. He’s the only doctor around here, so I have no choice but to believe him. Although its not attached to my body, it is a completely functional, thinking, breathing, head. So in that regard, I guess I’m doing okay.
Thanks for the flowers and balloons you all sent to my hospital room.
I am NOT doing okay though because I am planning my wedding! How can I be a bride with no head? The wedding photos will look ridiculous. There’s no way I can wear a veil. When it comes time to “kiss the bride” Jerry will have to stoop down and pick my head up off the floor.
I was always skeptical about that Costa Rican quack doctor who performed that plastic surgery head transplant back in the late ’80’s. He assured me that the head was just as stable as a normal head, but apparently he was wrong. Before that transplant, old head was ugly….but at least I was in one piece!
I AM A MONSTER!
I AM HIDEOUS!
WHAT IF JERRY CALLS OFF THE WEDDING!
HOW WILL IT LOOK FOR A GNOME QUEEN TO RULE WITH NO HEAD?
ARE THERE ANY REPUTABLE SURGEONS WHO CAN HELP ME?
MY LIFE IS OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Sobbing in solitude,
Tabitha The Gnome