The Day I Felt Up a Gnome

Hey gnome fans, Roxy here. I just celebrated a birthday and have been doing some serious soul searching since then. I used to blog in the category, Secrets of a Slutty Girl Gnome,” but now I’m starting to second guess my life’s purpose.


The tips aren’t that good anymore anyway.

Instead of slutting, I’ve turned to crafting. Somebody once said something about idle hands being the devil’s playthings. So in the spirit of playing instead of “playing,” here is the story of my first craft project…

In my regular following of “gnome news,” I came across an intriguing craft that I’d never heard of before. The craft is called “felting,” and this was the article: Felted Gnome Products on

Felted gnome products? Whaaaaaaaaaaa?

I immediately began typing away on this Internet machine to pull up Susi Ryan’s Etsy shop, The Felted Gnome Knows. Felting, felting, WHAT THE HECK IS FELTING?!

According to Susi, “Needle Felting is a unique art. It is not an old technique, it started in the 1980s when some artists found that by using a machine felting needle they could shape wool by stabbing it . It takes many stabs, hours and bleeding fingers to sculpt wool but the results as you can see are terrific. There is something magical about wool felt creatures and paintings. It emanates warmth, strength and evokes a time when play was innocent.”

Welp, that’s enough for me! After a bit of browsing, I settled on purchasing Susi’s Felted Gnome Making Kit. A gnome making kit…just THINK of the possibilities!

What the heck am I supposed to do with all this?!

What the heck am I supposed to do with all this?!

A cute box full of supplies arrived promptly in the mail. I must admit that I was a teensy bit intimidated.

I settled in on the coffee table in the sunlight and opened up the instruction manual. Take a look at that white blog stuck with a needle onto a sponge-like thing. This is how it all began…

Head blob: check.

Head blob: check.

In an effort to bring more diversity to The Gnome Abode, I decided to create a brown gnome to join our clan. A rich hot sexy chocolate brown gnome. Mmmm…

You'd think those green things are arms but they're actually legs...GOTCHA

You’d think those green things are arms but they’re actually legs…GOTCHA

In practically no time at all, I had totally gotten the hang of felting. Basically, all you do is stab fuzzy stuff with a needle onto a sponge until it makes a certain shape. It’s a bit like sculpting, but involves adding more “stuff” on rather than whittling it away.

Hat-less hotness

Hat-less hotness

So in the end, this is how my first felting project turned out! Not only did I keep my hands busy and successfully complete my first anti-slut craft, but I also have a new boyfriend.

Finished product = my new boyfriend

Finished product = my new boyfriend

Whatever shall I name him????

Roxy the Gnome

P.S. – Have you tried felting? Share your tips or questions with me so I feel like I’m an integral part of the felting community…to cure my sluttiness once and for all…PLEASE!

Did your ex-lover leave you with a broken gnome? Send him to London!

I don’t know about the rest of you gnomes, but I’ve gone through my fair share of heartbreaks breakups over the years.

This means that I’ve been stuck with a house full of painful reminders of love lost – jewelry, photo albums, teddy bears, and (gasp) even underwear. Well apparently now, there’s a place for all these unwanted and unloved things.

The Museum of Broken Relationships is the creation of Croatian ex-lovers Olinka Vištica and Dražen Grubišić. This travelling exhibition will open on 28th June at the Southbank Centre in London and run until August 31st.

And apparently, this sorry excuse for a garden gnome is among the museum’s exhibits:


Photo credit: Daily Mail

Mannequin hands, dreadlocks, and an ax are also on display. What a marvelous idea!

So what’s driving you crazy to look at and provide constant reminders about “what might have been?” I’m starting up a collection to send over to London this weekend, so hit me up!

Roxy the Heartbroken Gnome

Naked Chick Poses with Gnomes…WHAT?!?

Gnome news generally revolves around gnomes getting stolen or celebrities painting gnomes for charity. However, yesterday we came across some gnome news that REALLY took us by surprise.

She goes by the name Aella, and she poses nude for Internet. Okay, nothing really all that shocking there.

But here’s the twist….she poses NUDE WITH GNOMES.

aella gnomes

Web forum, Reddit, has a subgroup called “gw” with plenty of ladies looking to strut their stuff for strangers. To stand out from the crowd, Aella’s gimmick is to pose nude while being ASSAULTED* by evil garden gnomes.

*Disclaimer – gnome assault is an unfounded myth. No actual gnome assaults have been reported in the history of gnomekind.

Viewers fell in love with her gnome gimmick and she was actually the forum’s most popular naked woman in 2013. The forum has over 500,000 members.

aella gnomes 2

“People are so used to watching girls take themselves seriously when it comes to sexuality,” she told The Daily Dot. “I don’t care about looking pretty. I care about making people laugh. People need to realize you’re a human being.”

According to Inquisitr, she grew up in a super-Christian household, and this appears to be a really unique form of rebellion. And apparently, she makes more money doing this than if she went to college and worked a regular job for 10 years.

Are you intrigued? Because we certainly are! We just started stalking her on Twitter, so this should be interesting…

Roxy the Gnome

Halloween Hangover, Gnome Edition (OMG IT’S DAY OF THE DEAD!)

Most of us are just waking up now from our Halloween outings, and most of us are still in costumes. There are few more entertaining sights in the world than a bunch of gnomes doing walks of shame in torn and stained costumes.

Here’s just a sampling of what I found on my camera when I woke up this afternoon:

1 2 3 4

You fill in the blanks.

What’s that, Humps…what? Today is another holiday? It’s the Day of the Dead! OMG why are we not throwing a party yet. Somebody! Get me some skeletons!

Your last minute party planner,
Roxy the Gnome

Halloween Wine: A Lady Gnome Review

Perhaps you think all we gnomes drink is beer. Then perhaps you’d be mistaken. Some of us lady gnomes consume a steady diet of wine each day…it helps restore balance to our skin tones.

Like many lady gnomes, I’m a sucker for pretty labels. While buying ingredients to make my boyfriend a pumpkin pie, I came across this bright orange bottle. (That’s my bf in the picture. He’s a firegnome. How HOTTT is that?!)

photo (3)I know it’s only the 11th of October, but I’m getting super excited for Halloween. And how freaking festive is this bottle of deliciousness?!

“Halloween” is made by a local place called Illinois River Winery in Utica, IL. It’s right near Starved Rock state park….I love that place!

Anyway this is an apple and pumpkin wine that’s spiced with cinnamon and nutmeg. And it tasted like exactly that. After my man and I devoured the bottle in a couple swift sips, I noticed a suggestion that it’s best served warm.

Whoops! Guess I’d better pick up another bottle to try it heated up a bit!

Halloween wine is 10.5% alcohol, so it got me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside without the old-age headache the next day. It’s more sweet than tart and more fruity than dry.

I recommend it! And I’ve also added this winery to my list of places to drink at. It has a tasting room open every day – $3 for 6 tastes!

So my fellow gnomies, what fall festive drinks do YOU plan to throw back this weekend?

Happy Friday, my loves!

Roxy the Gnome