Walking out of shame and towards an Egg McMuffin with a Red Bull

What the hell day is today? I think it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Or maybe that’s next weekend. Whatever, when you’ve been unemployed for as long as I have the days all run together anyway.

I was at a St. Patrick’s Day party last Saturday night, regardless of whatever day it was. And I just woke up about ten minutes ago. What? Don’t tell me you’ve never had a 46 hour hangover recovery sleep!


Much to my surprise, there was this cute little dude gnome next to me when I woke up. He is still passed out so I snagged his smart phone to post a blog update and maybe shower off whatever the hell happened last night. Here’s a picture of him sleeping. See….isn’t he kinda sorta hot in that older, more experienced kind of way?

Dear lord, there’s a lot of green beads on the floor. But oddly, no clothes. Where. Are. My. Clothes.

I’m walking around his gnome-abode right now scoping out what his life looks like and for some kind of hint of what his name might be. So far, I haven’t found any clues to his name. But he does seem oddly obsessed with racquetball and badminton. Um yeah. His furniture isn’t very nice. He probably has some kind of a shit job.

Maybe I’m being too harsh. I remember him being really sweet at the party last night. He was a friend of a friend of a friend, or something. He gave me the cutest little charm for my purse. I have no idea why he had a charm in his pocket in the first place, but why ask questions when being given a gift?

Ugh, he’s still snoring. Screw the shower. I need an Egg McMuffin and a Red Bull. His phone’s kinda badass…I think I’ll just “borrow” it for awhile. Surely he won’t mind after all of the things I did to him last night.

Gnomie don’t play dat.

Tip toeing out the front door in an extra-large Van Halen t-shirt,

Roxy the Gnome

This entry was posted in Secrets of a Slutty Girl Gnome by Roxy. Bookmark the permalink.

About Roxy

So whaddya think of my tits? C’mon. I’m the only girl gnome in this whole bunch. How could I NOT be a slut? I would certainly welcome other gnome girlfriends but I yet to find a single one. If you see one hookin’ a street corner, send her my way, eh? I stay out too late, I drink too much, and I find myself in sketchy situations on a daily basis. But you’ll love the stories that come out of it, cross my tits. 




1 thought on “Walking out of shame and towards an Egg McMuffin with a Red Bull

  1. Dear Roxy,

    First things first…my name is Poseidon. But my friends call me Meatball. Long story…don’t ask.

    My friend of a friend of a friend or something who invited you to the pre-St. Paddy’s day party mentioned you started a blog. And well, well, well…here you are. WITH MY PHONE! Really? REALLY?!?

    I mean I never saw this going long term or anything, but I really had a great time with you last night. The charm I gave you to put on your purse was my great-grandmother’s. On her deathbed, she told me to give it to the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But whatever.

    Can I at least get my phone back. I see you’ve already changed the number so I have no other way to reach you than through this blog.

    Do I really snore that badly? I totally would have taken you out for breakfast. I know you’re way out of my league and everything, but I’d love to take you out to dinner sometime. And if you could get your own phone and give mine back to me, that would be an added bonus.

    Thinking of you,

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