“Jeep Acquisition Day” ~ By St. Bastille Day

Much to my surprise, Gnomeplaya (Master and Goddess of All Mankind, if you weren’t aware), invited me to accompany her and Gnomanatee on an epic journey to Indianapolis to purchase some strange creature, called a Jeep.

At first I was skeptical. Gnomeplaya and I have been living together for ten years she and has failed to invite me to any major life quest EVER. And then out of the blue, I get the red carpet pulled out?! Why now? What’s changed? Something’s not¬†right here.

Irregardlessly, I consented to this suspicious road trip to Indianapolis, Indiana. I have no idea why, but Gnomanatee was then allowed to bring a long a companion of his own. This weird little monkey in a t-shirt shows up. His name was Not Timmy. What kind of name is “Not Timmy,” anyway? If you’re not Timmy, then who the hell are you? Stupid monkeys.

Even stupider, he must have thought I was some sort of farm animal suited for riding. Immediately upon being introduced to each other, Not Timmy climbed upon my back and kept spanking me to go faster.

Goddamn that was irritating. I knew that journeying with this monkey was going to be a challenge, but I sucked it up in hopes that the journey’s reward would outweigh the annoyance of a mentally-challenged squealing primate.

I chose my seat in ¬†Gnomanatee’s car wisely and plopped myself upon the dashboard. Since I have been stuck inside The Gnome Abode for so terribly long, my orange skin has become somewhat pasty. Therefore, I decided to sunbathe.

Lying in that sun, life felt great again. A smoothie from Burger King on one side and a medium coffee on the other….what more could a lizard ask for?

Peace and quiet. That’s what more a lizard could ask for. I didn’t get much of that due to the pesky disturbance of Not Timmmy.

There was a gnome along for the ride as well, but that is nothing out of the ordinary. Gnomes get to go everywhere around here. Gnomes get to do everything I want to do. Gnomes make me sick.

Gnomeplaya said we were getting too rowdy in the front seat and insisted that we strapped into the backseat as if we were babies or mental patients. The nerve. Gah. How embarassing.

After a long, constricted ride, we arrived at the Jeep dealership in Indianapolis so that Gnomeplaya could pick up her Jeep. She seemed to love it more than life itself. Great. Another thing for her to love more than me.

Gnomeplaya wouldn’t even let me ride inside her new blue Jeep. She said that I was a dirty animal and she didn’t want me grossing up me new, clean seats. So I had to ride on the front! Can you believe it?!

At first, I was offended to not receive an offer for premium seating inside the new Jeep. But riding on the grill of the Jeep turned out to be a dream come true. The dusty and depressing roads of Indiana were filled with bugs of all shapes and sizes. I’ve never feasted so well in all my days! Bugs, you see are my most favorite things to eat. Maybe Gnomeplaya has been listening to me after all when I complain about having to eat all that tofu and eggplant that she has around the house and comment about the lack of bugs in her dinners. Hmmm.

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