Have you seen the most recent ad from everyone’s favorite mediocre furniture company? I hate to expose you to the horrific nature of this ad, but I just thought you should be aware of what’s going on in the backrooms of those hideous blue and yellow consumerism warehouses.
Without further ado…
Let me just say that the gnomes lived on this property first. The dumb blonde-haired man and woman are nothing more than unwelcome intruders and violating trespassers.
Secondly, the gnomes never used violent force to provoke the undue violence inflected upon them in return. So what if a gnome kicked over your chair? Don’t smash him. So what a gnome wants to hump your leg? Let him! You might end up liking it too.
Lastly, this is not the end of the story. There are just as many gnomes as dumb blonde humans with disposable furniture around the world. The fight has just begun. And until it gets more intense, we refuse to stand next to, sit upon, or even lay eyes on a piece of your shitty material goods, IKEA.
We demand that you retract your ad and issue a public policy to gnomes worldwide. We don’t like your furniture and we don’t like your elitist attitude.
Sincerely and disgruntled,
Kamikaze the Gnome