How I Found Two Dates in a Corn Maze

 

Hey ya’ll! I recon you’ve been hearing about me. Apparently, they don’t see too many lady gnomes around here and I’m the newest lady of the bunch.

I’m Lurleen and I was named after a famous county singer. I’m an aspiring country singer too but more than I love country music, I LOVE PUMPKINS!

I’m the eldest lady gnome in The Gnome Abode and it’s getting rough for these old bones of mine to stand all days like those young whippersnappers do. I picked up these here pumpkins back in ’86 and haven’t stood up from them since!

To welcome me to the clan, my new friends at The Abode invited me to go to a corn maze and a pumpkin patch. I figured why not? That’s right up my alley!

My poor knees wouldn’t let me walk around the corn maze so I just positioned myself in the middle of it so everyone could walk by me to hear my music and introduce themselves.

How sweet my music must have been because all the boys were stopping by to say hello! What a lovely confidence booster for an aging gal like myself!

A nice young lad named Boris Periwinkle asked me to go fishing the next morning. The thought of catching fish made me squeamish, but for the sake of making new friends, I agreed to the date.

Although he didn’t catch a gosh dern thing, he was quite the gentleman. He held his little lantern up for me to see under the pier and complimented me on my dark skin tone.

Much to my surprise, not only gnomes were at this corn maze. There were also monkeys! I never knew that gnomes and monkeys lived so closely together, but I guess I still have a lot to learn around here.

One of the monkeys, whose name was Peso, was particularly charming. He didn’t really speak English well, but then again, I always was a sucker an accent!

Peso invited me to a nearby brewery for dinner the next evening. I’d never been to a brewery before, but the kids around here seem to think they’re all the rage. We went to Mickey Finn’s Brewery and I was completely overwhelmed by how many beers there were!

You see, I’ve never been a big drinker. My momma always said that nonsense was for the menfolk. But when in Rome…

My favorite beer was the Pineapple Express. Pineapple beer! Who knew such existed?!

Peso described the beer as hoppy, with citris and floral overtones. Apparently, this monkey knows his beer. I just thought it was yummy! Peso didn’t tell me it was a 10% alcohol beer! Apparently, that’s a lot! I felt really dizzy. It was a weird feeling.

Have I ever been drunk before? Oh goodness no! Surely, this isn’t what “drunk” feels like is it? There’s a lot of hype about “drunk”. I always figured there was more to it.

Both Boris and Peso were very nice boys and they treated me like a lady. If either of them should call again, I will likely welcome a second date.

Your sweet lil’ ole’ granny type,
Lurleen Lumpkin Sitting on a Pumpkin, The Gnome

PS – I’m trying to book a show so I can play my songs for all of you. Does anyone know of a good venue?

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