Gnomes Getting Restraining Orders Against Other Gnomes

Of course I’ve had my share of stalkers in my day. I mean how could it really be avoided? I’m a gorgeous, brilliant, rare, and irresistible gnome lady. The “stalking” usually never amounted to more than showering me with gifts and excessive late night texts begging for me to come over. Those things I can handle.

Know what I can’t handle? That little bastard who goes by the weird name, The Book of Genesis. That’s why I had to file a restraining order against him today.

It all started when “The Book” and I met at a wedding I was bridesmaiding in a few weeks ago. I was pissed at Jerry and flirting with The Book to try to make him jealous. Jerry was too wasted to even notice so it all turned out to be pointless. I guess The Book got the wrong idea, because he fell completely head over heels for me. I can’t really blame him, but he took things just a bit too far.

His level of stalking went far beyond what I would consider, like Facebook stalking. Hell! Everyone does that!

His texts began once an hour. Then once a minute. His phone calls began began exactly in between the once-a-minute texts. His emails were no less than 5,000 words each and professed his willingness to do whatever it took to make me his. I kept seeing the top of a pointy hat outside my bedroom window periodically throughout my day. Somehow he managed to hide before I was ever able to catch him. I swear I wasn’t hallucinating. I think I’ve been off hallucinogens for a couple days now!

Then yesterday, I found this creepy check list in the grass outside my bedroom window.

I started to panic. I frantically ran around The Abode, locking all of the windows and doors. Then I realized that he’s an Abode resident so he has his own set of keys. Shit.

With trembling fingers, I rummaged through my purse to call the police and file a report. You’ll never believe what I found. I was appalled to find that he had written a message in HIS OWN BLOOD on the back of my g-Phone case! OMG.

I ran to the kitchen to use the house phone and after an excessive hold time, I finally reached the Stalking Department of the GPD. According to a paper I signed and paid a pretty penny for, The Book is not allowed to come with 500 feet of me. However, I just realized that he never signed the restraining order and likely doesn’t even know that a restraining order exists.