I am the king of all of the gnomes. You can bow down to me now. No, seriously I mean it. BOW!

I'm that weird guy in your office who seems to need an IV drip of coffee at all times to function at a normal gnome-like level. Everyone always thinks I must an overworked insomniac and could also really use a shower.

I am the founder and backbone of Amish Meth Lab. I am the responsible one who schedules band practices and gets books all our gigs. A sprinkling of meth dust is emitted from the tip of the magical wand, and suddenly audiences love us!

I spin da beets. Beets go well with spaghetti. My lady is a flamingo. Don't judge. Dub step for life.

I provide an important service to The Gnome Abode. I'm the gnomish grave digger. C'mon, we live a long time, but you didn't expect us to live forever, did you?!

Hey ya'll! I sit on a pumpkin and I'm an aspiring country singer!

My turtle dance partner and I was to teach YOU how to tango! Join us today for a class at our new studio, Gnotango!

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dr. Alvin Chu, MD LAC DIPL OM. The Gnome Abode Health Advisory Board hired me today to serve as the general practitioner for The Gnome Abode.

Animal rights, bitches. Because gnomes aren't the only ones hanging around here.

Fitness fitness cha cha cha!

I was kidnapped and brainwashed by an evil troll last February. I was living in a subway tunnel at the intersection of Clark and Lake, where doors open on the left.

Occupation: Sugar Daddy. Momma called me Hubert H. Humperdinker. You can call me Humps. Cuz that's what I do. Hump.

So whaddya think of my tits? C'mon. I'm the only girl gnome in this whole bunch. How could I NOT be a slut?

I ride a bunny rabbit around the yard because I've decided that feet are unnecessary. Ooo! Sparkles!

I am X'smores. That's right. I make Xtreme Smores.

I am The Quick Brown Fox...your friendly, drunk librarian and educator of all things gnome-related! After years of practice, I have finally been able to achieve the perfect level of drunkenness where I can still read words on a page, but before they start spinning into each other.

Everyone just knows me as Travel Gnome Sheldon's little brother and I've always been in the shadow of his pointed hat.

I am by far the most adventurous gnome of the bunch. Look at my adventure satchel and gaze into the distance, for godssake!

Although I thrive upon solitude to sense the sounds of nature and feel the voices spark within my soul, I silently influence my other wayward band mates to find the spirits that will guide them on their path. Namaste.

神風?, literally: "God wind"; common translation: "Divine wind"

I am left handed but I play a right handed cello just so I have something to tell people about.

Make soil, not dirt. Make flowers, not weeds. Make weed, not ditch weed. I love playing the trumpet because I feel that using my lips so much every day will make me the greatest kisser of all time.

Maybe you recognize me from my badass You Tube videos of hard falls, crazy lines, free solos, base jumps, ropeJumps, and radical slackline tricks.

I hesitantly vacated my extravagant mansion with an ocean view in California with one mission: To manipulate the King of the Gnomes into making me his wife so I can rule the gnome world and beyond. I've heard rumors that he's a pushover.

Sometimes, I'm mistaken for a leprechaun. Okay fine, so my skin tone is kind of green....it's a medical condition and I'm seeking dermatology treatment SO LAY OFF!

I like to think I'm the jock of the gnome group, but lately I think the universe is telling to slow down. Instead of winning the Heisman Trophy, these days I'm winning bets on who's gonna end up in the ER the most times per week

Drizzunk up in da house. Whoop there it is. Shimmy shimmy coco pop. I gotta take a whiz.

I spend most of my time sipping low calorie wine coolers.I have the most ginormous closet full of sexy gnomish outfits and props that I can't wait to model for you!

Take my rotting wooden hand. I will lead you toward the blinding light, which spins in the shape of parallelograms.

I am the alcoholic that puts all other alcoholics to shame. If you can't find me here, I'm probably in a gutter somewhere.

I'm that gnome who always thinks the lawn is greener on the other side. My destiny is not being fulfilled within the confines of this spirit that I cannot accept as my own.

I have nothing to say to you minions.

DISCLAIMER: Due to numerous discrimination lawsuits filed against us, we were court-ordered to include Phillip in our blog. Phillip is adamantly opposed to all forms of alcohol and debauchery