Author Archives: Seamus

About Seamus

I am Séamas, but everyone just knows me as Travel Gnome Sheldon’s little brother. Ever since we were kids, I’ve always been in the shadow of his pointed hat.

No one tells me anything. I was just informed today that there is a gnome blog out there that apparently others in The Gnome Abode have been writing in for months now.

But you know what? I’ve had enough. II refuse to be ignored. Now is my time to shine. Fuck my brother. I am Séamas….hear me roaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr!

Sheldon’s Surgical Miracle

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Even though I generally hate my brother Sheldon, I feel his pain. And he is family after all.

As you may recall, I was recently injured in a fishing accident. However, his injuries are far worse. It is true that he was in a bar fight, but you should have seen the other guy!

Maurice and I rushed to the hospital to find our poor brother being held together by scotch tape and missing a leg entirely. He was still half drunk off sangria and kept muttering angry words under his breath. I’m not really sure what the whole story is yet or what caused the bar fight, so I guess I’ll have to wait ’til he’s more coherent.

Much to our relief, there was minimal waiting time in the ER and the surgeon wasted no time using an extra large container of epoxy and steady hands. Pictured here are the hands of master surgeon, Gnomecow.

After a couple hours into the surgical procedure, Sheldon started to flat line. Reinforcements were brought in. Shown here is world-renown gnome surgeon, Happy Go Lucky The Monkey with TWO bottles of extra strength epoxy.

That little monkey knew his shit! By the end of last night, Sheldon was standing! Standing! On his own two feet! We thought he’d look like a freak show forever! I mean, sure, he does have a chuck missing from his leg and his crotch (please don’t ask for details), but all in all, he’s looking a million times more gnome-like.

To make him feel a little better, we compared battle wounds and realized that our feet were chipped off at a similar spot. I’ve never felt such a close bond to my brother. Stupid Maurice just sleeps all day, so it’s no wonder his feet are 100% in tact. He doesn’t even use his feet! Life is so goddamn unfair.

I helped Sheldon out of the hospital last night and he had the brightest smile on his face as he limped our of the ER. Physical therapy and all kinds of hardcore pain pills are in his immediate future, but he is going to take one day at a time. He may have to take a little time off from traveling, although I don’t dare bring that up to him yet. Dear god that wouldn’t go over well at all.

He is sure to have a lot of time on his hands in the next few weeks, as he is going to be somewhat bed-ridden, so you’ll probably see some posts soon about the adventure that led up to this successful surgical miracle.

Yours in brotherly love,

Séamus

Former Travel Gnome Turns Illegal Operation Coverup Gnome!

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As you may recall from my recent post, I have suffered a severe and permanent injury as a result of a fishing incident in southern Illinois. I am slowly coming to terms with my paralysis and realizing my limitations.

With no sides or back to my feet, it is unlikely that I will ever be a successful travel gnome like my asshole brother, Sheldon. I was searching for day gigs on Craigslist last night and came across a generic office job at some major corporation that’s undergoing some sort of criminal investigation. Something about an illegal gnome trade cartel or whatever.

I guess a bunch of the employees quit because of moral reasons or because they didn’t want to get arrested. I’m too pissed off and depressed to concern myself with frivolous things like morals or legality.

So I started my new job today. It seems pretty standard so far. One of my tasks is to sort through mounds of paperwork and destroying confidential documents that may incriminate the company. The piles of paperwork are pretty massive, but sneaking a peek at all this shady shit sure makes the day go by!

Another one of my tasks is to answer phone calls from really angry gnomes and try to calm them down. I don’t really get who these gnomes are. I guess they’re trade victims’ family members, reporters, detectives. My goal is to get these gnomes off topic and to chat with me about more fun things, like parades and glue sticks.

I am also in charge of fixing the printer. I guess that thing is a piece of shit and has been breaking down for years. I’m the only gnome small enough to squeeze behind the toner cartridge so I get stuck trying to fix it. Today I pushed some wires around, got covered in ink, and the damn thing still didn’t work. I hope this doesn’t affect my chances of getting a raise in a few weeks.

Well nose to the grindstone.

Séamus:

Former travel gnome, current 9-5 illegal operation cover up specialist gnome…at your service!

Séamas Gets Defeeted but not Defeated

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My brother, Sheldon, is the famous traveling gnome and gets all the glory and fame. You’ve probably seen the pictures he’s posted from Zion National Park and Yosemite. You know what I have to say to that?  WOOPDIE FREAKING DO.

I never get invited to go anywhere. Everyone at The Abode says I’m too fragile….too wimpy…too much of a homebody. But you know what? I’m bored as shit.

Well I reached my breaking point last week when I overheard talk of a camping/boating/fishing trip to Southern Illinois. When I asked Master Gnomeplaya and King Jerry if I could tag along, I was laughed at in the face. Some spit even came out when they laughed. It was nasty.

The next day, I filed a strongly worded complaint with the Bureau of Internal Gnomal Affairs (BIGA). A few phone calls and blackmail threats later, and I was in southbound in the Jeep as the ONE AND ONLY gnome attendee.

Some of the humans were fishing and successfully catching fish. I saw those suckers and they were bigger than I am. I said no thank you and decided to sit on a log to watch the festivities and work on my tan.

I think my blood sugar was a little low that morning or maybe it was the motion of the lake. But the lake started spinning and I began sweating like a pig. I heard that pigs don’t really sweat, but I’ll save those musings for another post.

I lost my footing and tumbled off the log and into the murky waters below. Gnomeplaya ran and dived in (Baywatch style) to save me. Apparently, I forgot how to learn to swim along the way of life.

As I was cradled in Gnomeplaya’s arms, I was appalled to see that I had suffered a severe and permanent injury. I am forever missing the sides and bottom of my feet!

How the heck am I supposed to compete with my brother for the status of “traveling gnome” with broken feet!? Try as we might, we could not locate the missing feet parts in the lake water.

Instead of spending the day on a pontoon boat with everyone else, I spent the rest of the weekend in a physical rehabilitation center located on the side of a cliff. To be honest, it wasn’t all that bad….there was hookah to smoke, cards to play, and nice scenery to stare at.

I’m still in rehab and would love it if someone out there would send me flowers, balloons, and/or new feet. I’m a size 0.6 in case you were wondering.

Defeeted but not defeated,

Séamas The Gnome

(yes, I’ve started spelling my name with a thingy-ma-jig over the “e” to make myself sound more foreign. TAKE THAT, SHELDON!)