I couldn’t help but notice your recent blog post about being invited to tag along on this weekend’s Devil’s Lake trip. I also couldn’t help but gag up the burrito that I had for lunch because this is complete bullshit.
I am outdoorsy, I am adventurous, and I have a goddamn fishing pole! Okay fine, so maybe I didn’t get my application submitted on time to join this trip. But that doesn’t make you the least bit qualified for an outdoor excursion.
Your brothers are so much cooler than you are, you lazy good for nothing bum.
We are in a fight. This means war. When you get back, you’d better watch your back, because you’re just jumped to number 1 on my shit list.
Sketchy Andy The Gnome Who Should be Going to Devil’s Lake
‘Sup guys….Maurice here. I’m the middle Rumplesphincter brother who the others tend to forget about. Séamus is the oldest and I heard a rumor that he got himself all paralyzed and is working some illegal gig now. Good for him! Sheldon, the baby of the family, is a goody-two-shoes who has gotten himself famous by traveling the world and publishing his travel writing. At least one of us has been successful, I guess.
I’m a drunk. And I’m homeless. And I’ve never really made a contribution to gnomish society. But there’s enough gnomes out there doing that. I’ll just lounge in the mushrooms and stay out of their way.
I read a recent post by brother Séamus and begged him to buy me lunch. He did (!) and he told me about his recent trip to southern Illinois. I got jealous. I know I’m the deadbeat of the family, but it doesn’t seem right that I’m the only Rumplesphincter brother who has never left the outer parameter of The Gnome Abode.
Yesterday, I cleaned myself up the best I could and hand-delivered an application form to Gnomeplaya to tag along on the next adventure. Apparently not many gnomes applied for this one, so I won the spot!
I’m headed to Devil’s Lake in Wisconsin for the weekend. It just sounds cool. And evil.
Rumor has it that there will be rock climbing, camping, fishing, artwork making, horseback riding, and drinking. I’m really only interested in the drinking part, but I’ll certainly observe and report back on the rest of those active activities.
Time to stock my grog supply in preparation for the road trip.
Maurice Rumplesphincter – the middle child and homeless drunk (but now traveling) gnome
As you may recall from my recent post, I have suffered a severe and permanent injury as a result of a fishing incident in southern Illinois. I am slowly coming to terms with my paralysis and realizing my limitations.
With no sides or back to my feet, it is unlikely that I will ever be a successful travel gnome like my asshole brother, Sheldon. I was searching for day gigs on Craigslist last night and came across a generic office job at some major corporation that’s undergoing some sort of criminal investigation. Something about an illegal gnome trade cartel or whatever.
I guess a bunch of the employees quit because of moral reasons or because they didn’t want to get arrested. I’m too pissed off and depressed to concern myself with frivolous things like morals or legality.
So I started my new job today. It seems pretty standard so far. One of my tasks is to sort through mounds of paperwork and destroying confidential documents that may incriminate the company. The piles of paperwork are pretty massive, but sneaking a peek at all this shady shit sure makes the day go by!
Another one of my tasks is to answer phone calls from really angry gnomes and try to calm them down. I don’t really get who these gnomes are. I guess they’re trade victims’ family members, reporters, detectives. My goal is to get these gnomes off topic and to chat with me about more fun things, like parades and glue sticks.
I am also in charge of fixing the printer. I guess that thing is a piece of shit and has been breaking down for years. I’m the only gnome small enough to squeeze behind the toner cartridge so I get stuck trying to fix it. Today I pushed some wires around, got covered in ink, and the damn thing still didn’t work. I hope this doesn’t affect my chances of getting a raise in a few weeks.
Well nose to the grindstone.
Former travel gnome, current 9-5 illegal operation cover up specialist gnome…at your service!
We’re gnot the only gnomes who are famous! Check out these other gnomes making the news this week!
- The Ontario Post offers potential gnome thieves alternative activities to stealing our fair brothers. Those crazy Canadians suggest these alternatives: pick up garbage in a park, mow someone’s lawn, peel a banana, go for a long walk, help someone, take part in the relay for life, tan, organize a charity event, buy a new lawn ornament for the person you stole that one from, help someone find a lost cat.
- In related news, this Massachusetts newspaper reports a police investigation about 40 missing gnomes from a military veteran’s lawn. Devastated gnome owner, Kathy Bush, cared for of a variety of us little guys….gnomes dressed as Jimmy Buffett, gnomes dressed in military suits, you name it. Six mushroom houses were also nabbed by those wretched thieves. The detective bureau is currently investigating this matter and anyone with information is encouraged to call or text (413) 787-6355.
- The final article that I’ll share with you this week comes from Gloucestershire in the UK. The Eastcombe School Association hosted it’s annual gnome hunt! Hunt?! Yeah, I was skeptical too. But after a few distraught calls to the editor, I learned that no gnomes were harmed in this particular hunt. Apparently 29 gnomes were scattered around the village and between 300 and 400 people took part in finding them (without weapons) and raised £1,300 for the school. I don’t know much about foreign money, but those gnomes sound like they’re making BANK!
I sincerely hope that you have enjoyed this week’s edition of “Gnomes in the Gnews.”
The Quick Brown Fox, The Gnome
The guys took me bowling for my birthday last weekend. It sounded like a fun idea. Colored balls. Long lanes. Fun shoes. Breezy hand dryer thingies.
After a few draughts of shitty beer, it was finally my turn. I picked a pretty purple ball and posed in dramatic fashion.
Caesar quickly advised me that I was facing the wrong way. I turned around with little to no argument.
Gutter ball. Blast. I was promised bumpers. These dudes told me it was a game that even a sleepy gnome with his eyes closed, like me, could play. I guess I was bamboozled again. Leonardo told me that the the penalty for throwing a gutter ball was to sit on the thingie that spits out the balls and stop them from rolling until someone else rolls a gutter ball and assumes the position.
I assumed the position, alright. The very next ball rolling through the thingie weighed 15 pounds. I don’t even think I weigh 15 ounces. I’ve been working out.
Anyway, that large black ball knocked me right off the thingie that the ball rolls through. A true gentleman never discusses his injuries….especially when his injuries involve gentleman-specific parts.
Ahem. Enough said.
This marks the first and the last bowling experience that I will ever put myself through. I wandered out of the bowling alley and found a pit of fire in a real alley next to a homeless man. Even this was more pleasant than what I had just been put through during what those other asshole gnomes call a “sport”.
Homeless dude and I found a bag of stale marshmallows in the trash bin behind the grocery store. And henceforth, I shall ever be known as X’mores….the Xtreme S’mores maker.
Good evening and good night,
X’Mores The Gnome