Classified Ad: Knitted/Cloth Gnomes Wanted

I read an article today about knitted gnomes helping to raise a bunch of gnomes for some blokes in England. We sure are the philanthropists, aren’t we?!

Those gnomes were raising money for some dumb school, but that’s not the point of this blog post. Where are these knitted gnomes hiding and how can we get more of them to join our Travel and Adventure department?

photo (21)

Fragile ceramic gnomes are getting injured every day in the line of duty. Knitted gnomes would be much more suited for the travel industry because of their seemingly unbreakable nature.

I hereby call out to all gnomes made of cloth-like fabric to SHOW YOURSELVES!

Even if you’re a stuffed Santa Claus (i.e. gnome poser), our talented physician specializes in a brand new (never been tried) transformational surgery that will have you looking more gnome-like in no time.


Travel and Adventure Gnome Specialists get an opportunity to see the world in a way that average garden and woodland gnomes only dream of.

Knitted Gnomes

Submit your resume via blog post today and put your cloth-like exterior to use for once!

King Jerry of the Gnomes


Photo credit: Gingerbread Cottage

Post-Climbing Brews at Moat Mountain – New Hampshire

Howdy folks, your favorite travel gnome here! You might have seen my buddy Rubber’s recent post about going rock climbing in New Hampshire.

Well we climbed alright, and climbing is really difficult for gnomes. Our legs are short, our arms are weak, and our bellies are somewhat large. For you humans, rock climbing might involve going several feet into the air. For gnomes, we’re generally satisfied with climbing a couple of inches. I mean seriously…some of us are barely a couple inches tall in the first place!


No matter who you are though, climbing makes you thirsty. And nothing quenches post-climbing thirst quite like beer. There’s also nothing that feels better than wrapping your sore, tired hands around a frosty pint glass filled with hoppy goodness.

We celebrated this particular survival on the rocks at Moat Mountain Brewery in North Conway, New Hampshire. I never saw a moat, but I did see a mountain. Therefore, I gave the brewery a 50/50 chance of impressing me.

The place is in a big yellow house with shit for signage, so I actually passed by it and nearly flipped my gnome jeep trying to get in the parking lot. Things got a little better once I learned they do $5 samplers.


Violet’s Blueberry was definitely my favorite beer of the bunch. It had a yummy smell that reminded me of blueberry muffins. Unlike other fruity beers, it wasn’t over-carbonated either.

I didn’t have many thoughts flowing through my little gnome brain as I drank the Iron Mike Pale Ale or the Czech Pilsner. The Bone Shaker Brown pleasantly surprised me though. It had a roasted, nutty taste, a translucent color, and a full-bodied taste without any annoying bitterness. The Square Tail Stout was quite nice too with its roasted flavor.


I watched some soccer on the flat screen TV even though I don’t understand why that ball is so worthy of running after.

To top off my drinking day, Rubber and I split a 16 oz Belgian Triple, which was so sweet that a couple of my precious gnome teeth rotted out right then and there.

My expert recommendation? Stop in for a Violet’s Blueberry 22 oz bomber to-go and hike around the mountains ’til a moat magically appears in a drunken hallucination.

Zookwinkle the drinking/traveling gnome

Gnome Sighting in Vermont Frog Shop!

While biking my little gnome legs around the Vermont countryside, I decided that antiquing would be the right thing to do. After all, all the cool (old) kids are doing it.

My first stop was Tinker’s Antique Barn. Turns out, bitches are closed on Wednesday. Out of all days, Wednesday? Why Wednesday, praytell? There very well may be gnomes living inside this barn. Must mark calendar to work around THEIR schedule. Hmmph.


After stopping to gas up at the local station, my next stop was The Green Frog, which was more of a gift shop than an antique shop. This just means stuff is newer. I’m okay with new stuff.


The was one, and only one, gnome living inside this store. We chatted for a moment or two, but he had a pretty narrow worldview and the conversation turned stale in a very short amount of time.


I had the owner take my mug shot by the iconic frog out front and I posed with my very best frog face.



Humans make that stupid kissy face. Well gnomes, I’m here to start a new trend….the frog face.


Ribbit ribbit,
Zookwinkle the Travel Gnome

A Game of Gnomes?

This gnome is getting around. His name is Gnorman and I hate him because he’s going way cooler places than I probably ever will.


This random British couple (British, of course) went to Egypt on vacation and left his poor sap behind. The neighbors rescued him from captivity and have taken him everywhere from Buckingham Palace to airplanes to Clacton Pier (wherever the hell that is). Apparently, he gets his old holiday now.

This random couple didn’t notice that Gnorman had even disappeared ’til they found him on Facebook. Leave it to Facebook to spill the beans.


The resident added: “He wants to carry on with his antics so he’s told them he’ll come home if he can still have his independence, which they have promised.”

Let me just add that Gnomeplaya, our master and goddess of all gnomekind has gone out gallavanting in the Northeast. They have left almost all of us gnomes behind. Except Zookwinkle…hey Zooks, hope you’re having fun!

So where are OUR neighbors? Why has no one rescued US! Hey psychic “business” downstairs! Hey mediocre pizza place across the street! I’m talking to you!

Get me outta here!

Pleading with you,
Humps the Gnome

Getting Gnome-napped? Just Scream!


Apparently, gnome-nappers (i.e. thieves of gnomes) become frightened when you scream at them.

According to today’s Press and Guide article, a white dude in his 50s with shoulder-length, strawberry blonde hair recently attempted a gnome-napping. As he was shoving the poor, defenseless gnomes into a crappy Ford Fusion, a kindhearted neighbor yelled at him to stop.

Thank you, kindhearted neighbor!


The thief dropped the gnome and sped away. The condition of the nearly-stolen gnomes is yet to be reported. All we can do is pray for a quick mental and physical recovery at this point.

What’s the moral of the story?

YELL MORE! Yell loudly! Constantly! All of you!

Especially if you live in Dearborn, Michigan.

Stay safe out there, gnomies. People want us and we must stand our guard.

Yours in screaming,
Leonardo the Gnome

photo credit: pclouse