We’re not the only ones pissed off at IKEA…

Perhaps you read a recent post of mine about boycotting IKEA for their horrendous anti-gnome commercial.

Well, we’re not the only ones pissed off.

According to the Huffington Post, the United Kingdom’s Advertising Standards Authority has received about 50 complaints about the commercial. (And only 49 of them were from us! So thank you…whoever you are!)


IKEA’s response is completely unacceptable and makes us want to puke our turkey sandwiches all over its cute lil’ dorm room tables. Marketing manager for IKEA’s UK branch said that the commercial was, “merely a ‘light-hearted’ way of showing a family defying the ultimate embodiment of everything that’s tired and dreary about British gardens – the garden gnome.”



Clearly, you have NOT been reading this blog, Mr. Peter Wright!

Outrage and debate is spreading throughout the world…and rightfully so. New Zealand’s seems to support us…thanks guys. However, Australia is teaming up AGAINST us! Try not to smash a human’s face in as you read this Ad News article who questions the legitimacy of us 50 complainers.


Not that we’re biased or anything, but if you’re not with us, you’re against us. Have a couple beers to calm your nerves first and then give this commercial a view for yourself.

The boycott of IKEA continues, but we’re not stopping there. Oh no, no, no. This violence against gnomes has gone TOO FAR! The Gnome Abode is seeking a military general to lead us in an epic battle of gnome-sized proportions. Gnomes hold down a lot of careers over here, but we’re severely lacking in military support. Now is the time to protect ourselves.

Qualified applicants for the position of gnome military general should apply via blog post by the end of the week.

Still super pissed off,
Kamikaze the Gnome

Photo credit: Huffington Post

Huge Gnome Sighting at A&L Grocer!


I went drunk bowling other night. Yes, of course gnomes bowl. Don’t be silly.

I actually have my own shoes (because alleys tend to only carry human sizes) and I’m saving up for my own ball. Bowling balls are expensive. Lately, I’ve been using a nectarine.

But be honest. We all really know that bowling is about the cheap beer.

But, I digress.

Don’t worry, I’ll tell you more about my bowling career soon. I’m getting better and I even bowled a 18 my last frame….double digits, baby!!!

After wowing everyone’s socks off with that 18, I decided to end on a good note and head home. I was staggering a bit, but nearly to my bus stop when I caught of a glimpse of something huge…and magnificent.

A huge gnome in a grocery store!

photo 1

This sucka was nearly 3-foot tall (if my drunken measurement estimations are anywhere near accurate) and he was holding a sign that was turned away.

The tiny store was called A&L Grocer and for those of you in the Chicago area, it’s located on Addison between Hamilton and Leavitt. See look, they even get 3.5 stars on Yelp!

photo 2Most unfortunately, the store was closed at that ungodly time of night. Just like momma always said, “nothing good happens after dark!”

But momma was wrong, because this gnome sighting did!

The whole point is that gnomes this big are very rare to find. Where did he come from? What’s his name? And how did he get hooked up with a grocery store gig?

I suppose another trip to A&L during business hours is in order to find out the answers to these very important questions. TO…BE…CONTINUED…

Dumblebore the Gnome


Memorial Day Cheers from the Drunk Gnomes!


photo (14)Three-day weekends mean even more booze-induced incoherence than usual for us drunk gnomes. So we’ll make this short and sweet to avoid any embarrassing misspellings or heart-felt revelations.

Memorial Day may be a human holiday, but we jump on board those when there’s a miscellaneous day off of work involved. King Jerry made mention that Memorial Day is supposed to be about soldiers fighting in wars and stuff. But try as I might, I haven’t found a soldier or a war all day! All I can seem to find are barbecues, cold beers, and outdoor shenanigans.

photo (4)Such a pity.

We’ve been riding the coattails of human tradition by…

  1. Cooking out on an ancient wood-burning stove (reminiscent of the human olden days)
  2. Going bicycling (in hopes of fitting into my bathing suit by noon today), and
  3. Planting some flowers (to ensure we have something to pee behind later).

photo (6)While we don’t expect to remember too many memories of the day, we hope all you gnome and human celebrators make the most of yours.

Wave a freaking flag or something!
ChumbaWambaIGetKnockedDown the Gnome

Gnomes: Descendants of Ancient Phallic Fertility Gods?

Literate gnomes around the world! Behold!

I have come across a text that documents the distant history of gnomes…far more distant than any text has before!

bookCue Garden Gnomes: A History by Dr. Twigs Way. Yes, a doctor…a real, life doctor. No offense, Dr. A Chu.

Sir Way tells the tale of Priapus, an ancient phallic fertility god, which popped up all over gardens in ancient Rome. Priapus is known for his absurdly over-sized erection. Ouch ladies, all I have to say is ouch. Ahem.

Pompeya_erótica6This well-endowed god was mostly worshiped in gardens and statues of him lined the gardens of everyone wishing for a fruitful harvest.

Take a look at these statues. Totally gnome-like, don’t you think? Not sure where the statue’s erection ran off to though…

Apparently, there’s also a medical condition called priapism, that derives its name from Priapus and alludes to the god’s permanently engorged….well, you know.

684px-Musée_Picardie_Archéo_03This discovery poses a whole bunch of questions for us gnomes. Do we have special god-like abilities we’ve never known about? Should we be speaking Italian right now?

For even more historic discoveries, check out Dr. Way’s BBC article. I started reading it, but then just couldn’t get past the whole phallic god thing without further investigation.

Ya learn something every day….
The Quick Brown Fox the gnome

Gnome-Related Updates from the Chelsea Flower Show

If you’re following gnome news these days, you’re undoubtedly inundated with updates about that Chelsea Flower Show going on over in England.

So in case you’re living in a gnome-free cave, here’s what you’ve been missing out on. In no particular order, here’s what’s been going down at Chelsea.

  •  Uniquely designed gnomes, like our favorite combat ones, get recognition. We love these guys and hope one of them shows up on our doorstep any day now. (*HINT HINT*)

Garden gnome with bayonet

  • Urban Street gnomes emerge from the shadows of darkness. What the hell IS this thing?! I mean it’s kinda rad and all, but don’t call it a gnome. “This unique Street Gnome has a surreal ‘face’ made up of a montage of pop-art designs, with a bird skull at the centre being attacked by two black crows.” Puh-leese. This thing kinda looks like a bad girl I’d like to take out on a hot date, but not a gnome….clearly not a gnome.

Avian invasion street gnome

  • Prince William and Kate Middleton have turned into gnomes! The British fancy pants appear to be bobble heads wearing red, pointy hats. But you know what? We’ll take it! Any depiction of royalty in the forms of gnomes is A-OK with us. I wonder if she’ll pop out a little gnome baby with a pointy, red hat too.


  • Celebrities are auctioning off crap tons of gnomes! Elton John, Lily Allen, and a bunch of supposedly famous people, that we haven’t heard of because we’re not British, have painted gnomes and are auctioning them off for charity. If you’re more skilled at pop culture than we are, try to match the celebrity with the gnome he/she painted. According to the Daily Mail, “The decorated figures will all be auctioned off on eBay from today to raise money for the £1 million RHS Centenary Appeal, marking 100 years since the first Chelsea Flower Show.”


The auction money is supposed to also go towards teaching school kids how to garden. We can only hope that more gardeners means more gnomes in the future for England and throughout the world.

We’re sort of bummed because we don’t get the BBC Two channel. Does anywhere out there reading this get it? It seems that on Friday 5/24 at 20:00, there will be an episode about the lifted ban on garden gnomes at the flower show and a history of the first gnomes to start a colony in the UK. We’d love to host a viewing party, so if anyone can hack into the BBC and stream it live for us, we’d be forever indebted.

Pip pip cheerio,
Starr the wannabe British Gnome