So I met the girl gnome of my dreams Saturday night. We happened to be at the same wedding because she was a bridesmaid and I was a groomsman. Her name was Tabitha and she’s totally famous.

She’s a movie star from L.A. and for some reason threw it all away to pursue some douchebag that didn’t even give her the time of day during the entire reception. She kept hanging all over him and he was too wasted to even notice.

This schmuck, Jerry, who apparently claims to be King over all of us, spent the entire wedding reception in the open bar line while Tabitha played with her smartphone and complained to everyone who would listen. I was one of those gnomes who would listen. I’m a great listener. The over-privileged but under-appreciated Queen-wannabe poured out her heart to me over a few bottles of champagne and some weird cake with goopy frosting.

I was concerned that King Jerry would see us together and kick my ass in a jealous rage. However, Tabitha reassured me that he had been puking in the urinal for the past hour and that there was nothing to worry about. That was my cue to ask her to  dance.

Wedding reception music is always awful, no matter how cool you think the bride and groom are or how good of taste in music they have in their daily lives. Irregardlessly, Tabitha and I rocked the shit out of ‘Brown Eyed Girl’ and ‘The Macarena’.

We made a stop at the photo booth to take a dance break. It didn’t matter that we were sweaty and a bit dissheveled from the wild dance floor shennanigans. She looked so beautiful and I had to capture our moment together in case it was our only one. She told me that she hadn’t had so much fun with anyone since she moved here from Cali.

I asked for her number. She said she’d see me around The Abode.

King Jerry’s buddy, Maurice, gave me a stern tap on the shoulder as we exited the photo booth and told me I’d better skedaddle if I knew what was good for me. Phillip and Horace were practically dragging King Jerry’s drunk ass from the bathroom and  plopped him down in front of my beautiful princess. King Jerry grabbed Tabitha’s arm to pull himself up, smearing fresh vomit all over her pristine white apron, and demanded that she drive him home.

Tabitha pulled him to a semi-standing position, gave me a half-assed wave, and escorted him towards the parking lot. I don’t know why she puts up with that. She’s so much better that that. She can do so much better than him. I know he’s King and all, but what an ass! I might not be able to offer her a crown, but I could offer her happiness, which seems like something she’s never truly experienced before.

I think of Tabitha every minute of every day. I think about how I can make her see that she belongs with me. I think about how I can crush Jerry’s Kingdom and make my own with my beautiful Tabitha.

Love-struck and heartbroken all at once,

The Book of Genesis The Gnome