Some bikers bike for trophies. Others for glory. And still others for GNOMES.
Leave it to Western Australia to come up with a bike race where the prizes are golden versions of us. Australians are always good for a lil’ gnomish jaunt.
South West Cyclists get together on September 8th in Dardanup to compete for the coveted Golden Gnome. It’s called in the Livelighter Dardanup Tour. And apparently there’s a a bunch of gnomes going out as prizes to make people who suck at biking feel a little better too.
I’ll admit, these little golden guys are pretty badass. However, it does beg the question…should gnomes really be considered trophies?
I mean, you’re a human, right? How would you like it if we hosted a little foot race and gave YOU out as a prize?
You do realize that each one of those golden gnomes had a life of his own before being assigned as you trophy?
But I won’t dwell on it. Well, maybe I already have. News stories like this make me feel torn. One one hand, the bike race is promoting the gnomish spirit of good luck and good cheer to people otherwise unfamiliar with our awesomeness. On the other hand, it is perpetuating the misconception that gnomes are things and not beings.
I’ll leave you with this: cyclists treat your gnomes well. If your weird human legs can peddle faster than the others, then consider yourself endowed with a responsibility to become a faithful and true gnome guardian. I am trusting that since you like the outdoors enough to bike in it, that you’ll also spend an ample time outdoors with your new golden friend.
Caesar the Gnome
You might have seen a picture of me the other day asking if you knew where to get gnome-sized snowshoes. If you didn’t see it, you obviously aren’t keeping up with your gnome gnews.
The question came to my mind as I was hiking the Pebble Creek trail in Yellowstone National Park the other day. As you might guess, the weather in Yellowstone is particularly volatile this time of year. One minute it’s snowing, the next it’s sunny, and the next your shivering your ass to death.
I couldn’t exactly tell where the creek began and where it ended. But one thing was clear…my silly little three-season hiking boots just weren’t going to cut it. I needed snowshoes.
I tried on a pair that I found buried in the snow nearby. Apparently some hiker didn’t fare so well with the. There was even a boot still attached! Poor sap.
As you can plainly see, these are too large for my tiny ceramic feet. I pulled up my Google machine and got crackin’.
I didn’t find a single pair of gnome-sized snowshoes for sale, much to my dismay. However, I did find this amazing gnome-themed snowshoe race in Johnsville, California! Unfortunately, the 5k and 10k snowshoe race already took place this past February. Sad times.
But more importantly the gnomes in their pictures have snowshoes on! I’m gonna be out in the Montana wilderness for awhile, so I’m still taking tips if you have any.
Sheldon the World-Renown Travel Gnome
Not that springtime is well under way, we gnomes need to start losing the lbs.
According to some weird Oregon newspaper, there’s a 5K that’s made especially for our chubby ceramic legs. And it’s May 5th!
“If you are into both running and sustainability, make sure you get registered for the inaugural Garden Gnome Run, a 10k, 5k, and 1k event held on Sunday, May 5, that supports Benton County youth and sustainable, local food,” Matt Rasmussen writes. “The course itself, while still waiting for a visual map, is described as paved and flat. It will follow the bike path and head through SW Corvallis and Avery and Starker Arts parks. All entrants receive a tomato plant for their garden and a short sleeve tech shirt. ”
A tomato plant!? SIGN US UP!
Support the CSC Youth Garden, sign up, and get less disgusting!
Your wannabe fitness instructor,
Horace The Gnome
Believe it or not, we gnomes are really into the human Super Bowl. For years now, I’ve been trying to organize the GFL (gnomish football league) but I can’t seem to get enough guys to participate. So many of these wimps are freaked out about getting their fragile ceramic hands broken and whatnot.
You know what I say….MAN UP! But alas, one gnome cannot play football alone. That’d just be weird. And logistically impossible.
So while my dude counterparts may be lame, we are all pumped for today’s game. My new favorite player is this linebacker on the 49’ers. Looks like it’s been a rough few last games for this lil’ bugga.
(Checkout Darkside Creations on ebay for more awesomeness).
Need more proof that gnomes are into football? Check out how many gnomes from various teams are sporting their teams colors! Some of you have referred to these gnomes as “sell-outs”…mere props for sports fans to give as gifts to other sports fans.
Personally, I have a lot of respect for these sports team gnomes because they have found a way to appeal to a broader audience and increase our presence in an otherwise ambivalent community of television zombies. Do you really think that sports fans would give a shit about us otherwise?! Probably not. So sports gnomes…..I salute you! Keep fighting good fight and I’m right there with you (in true Michigan spirit).
So no matter who you’re rooting for this evening…we truly hope that you are rowdy, obnoxious, and appropriately drunk.
Sure there’s the commercials and the puppy bowl, but honestly the booze is really what it’s all about here in The Abode.
Happy Super Bowl Day!
Benjamin The Gnome
AND NOW….a series of totally tubular (semi-professional) pics from my most recent climbing excursion to Mount Plaid!
Nope, there’s no ropes in sight! Yeah, that’s really dangerous. That’s the way I rock it. I know I’m amazing, but I love to hear it again and again.
Not only did I find myself to be amazing, I was also amazed about how natural rock has gotten so much more colorful recently. Is this a result of gnomish pollution? (Where’s our environmental protection guy for comment?)
Fan mail welcome! Private lessons can be reserved via blog post comment!
Your fitness guru,
Rj Simmons Jr., The Gnome